Black Butler Goes Camping
by FakeName13
Summary: Set in the modern world, Ciel and Sebastian attend a summer camp-Camp Happy Funshine, to be exact-where they face numerous threats such as (but not limited to): mosquitoes, freeze-dried food, and poison ivy!
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note:_

 _Warning: This story contains numerous OCs._

 _I own nothing._

Ciel Phantomhive shivered a bit in the air-conditioned car and stared gloomily out the window as the scenery changed from town to barrenness and then to forest-y mountains. He really didn't want to go; he was sorely dreading this experience. He scowled at the brochure sitting in the seat next to him: CAMP HAPPY FUNSHINE it said, depicting a group of identically-dressed kids beaming with a forest behind them. Sebastian had said that it was painfully obvious that the ad was fake: the children posing were models and the background had been edited in. They probably weren't within fifty miles of anything resembling a real forest.

But it didn't matter what they had thought of the ad, because Madam Red had been adamant.

"You should get out more!" she said, thrusting the brochure into his hands. "Go outside! Exercise! Meet new people! Make friends!"

Essentially she was telling him to do the four activities he detested most in the world.

Camp Happy Funshine was an outdoor camp specifically catering to aristocratic children. The ad promised: LIGHT EXERCISE! REAL OUTDOORS EXPERIENCE! FUN TIMES!

It allowed each child to bring at max two servants, because even the people at Camp Happy Funshine realized that most noble children didn't even know how to put on a shirt.

Ciel groaned and lightly hit his head with the brochure.

"Do we _have_ to go?" he asked. "Can't we just find some other place? Look, we can go to some tourist town and do a hike or two and tell Madam Red we went. How about that?"

Sebastian shook his head.

"Even if we did do that," he said, "undoubtedly she would ask me if we really went. And then I would have to say…"

"…that we didn't," Ciel finished. "Because you never lie." He sighed. "No, but really: _can_ we just drop this whole idea? Make up some excuse!"

Sebastian just smiled and discreetly turned up the music to block out his young Master's whining. He also hadn't wanted to go to the summer camp, but the young Master had insisted that he wasn't going to go alone. So naturally his butler had to step up to the task.

He glanced over at Eleanora, who was sitting in the passenger's seat. She was coming too, despite the fact that technically, the young Master could only have brought him. She expressed the same desire as he did to go: namely, none at all. If it had been up to him, he would have allowed her to stay at home, but it hadn't been up to him.

Ah, well. At least he would have an ally with him. Lord knows that he would need one, surrounded by all those spoiled little bra—he meant other camp-goers, of course.

They found the place and Sebastian parked. Ciel stared out the window: there was a huge gateway that had CAMP HAPPY FUNSHINE carved into it; about twenty children and their servants were standing underneath it, talking and screaming and complaining. If there were twenty kids and each kid had brought their maximum two servants, that was, let's see: forty people. Ciel shuddered. He was not looking forward to this experience.

Eleanora got out of the car and Sebastian was about to follow her lead when Ciel stopped him.

"Piercings."

Sebastian glared at him in the rearview mirror but still obediently began to remove all of his piercings—the lip one with the chain; the eyebrow ones; the nose one; all of the ear ones…When they were all gone he started to leave again.

"Tongue, Sebastian," Ciel reminded him and the butler unquestioningly—but not cheerfully—removed his tongue piercing.

Sebastian was annoyed; he thought that he could at least sneak in his tongue piercing; it was one of his favorites; but at least he didn't have to cover up his tattoos. He had four of them: one on each of his arms, one on his lower back, and one on his chest.

They got out of the car and Sebastian opened up the trunk, getting out three backpacks—two large and one small—and a black army duffle bag. The brochure hadn't been specific on the equipment they should bring; it just said to bring whatever they wanted and as much as they could carry. For Ciel, that meant a school backpack, but for Sebastian, weight meant absolutely nothing to him. He could carry an elephant on his back and not even break a sweat.

Ciel put on the small backpack and Sebastian clicked some strings around his waist and chest. Ciel almost staggered; it was much heavier than he had thought it would be. Then Eleanora put on one of the other, bigger backpacks and Sebastian did the same—only he adjusted the strings from the back, not from the front, the way that he had done with Ciel.

"Does it feel alright?" he asked her, his arms still around her chest.

"Yes, it's fine."

"Not too tight; not too loose?"

"Y-Yes, it's fine…"

"Are you sure?"

"Positive!" she said and wriggled away from him. His arms dropped.

"Well, if you're sure," he said, completely unperturbed. Then he put the remaining backpack on and slung the duffle bag over his shoulder.

"You weren't that thorough with _me_ ," Ciel said, who felt as if he needed something to complain about, just to reinforce the idea that he wasn't happy.

"I don't need to be that thorough with you," Sebastian said, strapping the backpack over his waist.

"And why not?"

"Because to check if I've done it right, all I have to do is this:" and he grabbed the backpack (with Ciel still in it) and lifted it up. "If it's too loose, you'll fall right out," he continued calmly, ignoring all of Ciel's shouts and protests and orders to set him down immediately, "and if it's too tight you'll start choking."

"Put him down," Eleanora said coldly and Sebastian did so, shrugging as if he was saying, _"what did I do?"_

They approached the group and all chatter and laughter ceased as they approached. Ciel thought about what a sight they must be: a very bent kid with an eyepatch, an unnaturally handsome man dressed like a biker, and a bored, annoyed woman. He noticed that all of the other children were dressed in khaki or something, as if they were going on a cute fake safari. Their servants didn't seem to know how to dress, so they wore just casual clothes: jeans and such. Ciel felt awkward; he knew that he didn't belong here.

"Hi, everybody!" a very loud, abnormally happy man said. He was also dressed in doll-like safari clothes. "Come over here and gather round! Welcome to Camp Happy Funshine: where fun goes to get funner!"

"Ugh," Sebastian said under his breath and Ciel was inclined to agree.

"I'm your camp guide, Gary Lou!" the man said.

"And I'm your other camp guide, Mary Sue!" the woman who was standing next to him said. She was like him: weirdly upbeat and looking like a Barbie. "But you can just call us GL and MS. Welcome, adventurers! Let the fun begin!"

Some of the kids cheered while the servants looked a little confused. Eleanora rolled her eyes and stared with longing at the car behind them.

"Firstly, I'd like to introduce you all to your camp buddies!" MS said. "Each camper will get a buddy to bunk with and share the fun with!"

Sebastian was glad when he realized by "camper" they meant "rich kid." He didn't want anyone to "bunk" with and _especially_ no one to "share" the "fun" with.

"First up," GL said, glancing at his checkboard, "we have Bradley and Oxford!"

Two boys stepped up and shook hands, glancing at each other curiously.

"Derry and Dale!"

Two girls shook hands, and the list went on until:

"Phantomhive and McMillan!"

Ciel shot a sick look at his servants; Eleanora gestured with her head for him to step up while Sebastian just smirked.

"Share the fun, my Lord," Ciel heard him say softly as he went.

 _"I'll get him for that later,"_ Ciel thought and shook hands with this…McMillan. He seemed nice enough. He hadn't brought any servants with him, but he didn't seem to mind. They shook hands and McMillan beamed at him, as if they were already best friends.

Gary Lou continued with his list until every child in the parking lot had been paired up.

"Alright now!" he said, never losing that cheerfulness, "let the adventure begin! Follow me, Camp Happy Funshiners! Magic awaits!"

"They should have called it 'Camp Happy Funwhiners,'" Sebastian muttered to Eleanora and she smiled. He could already predict the complaints that would follow—especially when he saw the climb ahead of them.


	2. Chapter 2

Gary Lou and Mary Sue began walking up a mountain—a very, _very_ steep mountain. It was considered steep even by the most experienced hikers, and if there was one thing Ciel wasn't, it was an experienced hiker.

Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad if there had been trees or rocks around; things to hold onto and step on and use to keep climbing. Trees would have probably been more preferable, because trees not only provided scenery, but also shade. But this mountain didn't have any of that. It was very dry and dusty and had a bunch of little stones so that people would constantly slip on them. There was no shade whatsoever, so the sun was beating down constantly on the hikers' heads. Maybe if there had been a wind or if it had been a bit cooler it would have been more tolerable, but the weather determinedly stayed at its arid, windless, heat-filled best.

"Sebastian," Ciel gasped, "help me. I'm dying of fatigue and dehydration…"

Instead of being sympathetic, the butler just looked at him.

"My Lord, we've barely left the parking lot," he said in such an icy voice that Ciel almost felt the temperature drop.

Ciel didn't know how he could stand it. Here he was, carrying a small backpack and wearing sensible, light cotton clothing, and he felt as if he was melting, whereas the butler was clad in several layers of thick black leather and carrying a huge, heavy backpack _and_ a huge, heavy duffle bag, and he was just striding up the mountain as if it was a level path on a nice spring day. At least Eleanora looked as if she was suffering a bit.

Sebastian was rather impatient. If he had been alone, he probably could have run up this mountain and ran down several hundred times before the young Master had even reached the point where the parking lot couldn't be seen anymore. As it was, however, he was forced to slow down and even _wait_ every now and then for the young Master to catch up.

Eleanora had had the patience to walk slowly so as to walk by him, but eventually he waved her off.

"You two go on ahead," he panted. "I'll be fine."

 _"No, wait! Come back and carry meeeee!"_ he thought as his servants picked up the pace and left him behind, but naturally he couldn't say that; that was much too undignified for an Earl.

Sebastian also eventually outpaced Eleanora, but she was catching up to him nicely (she kept on looking back over her shoulder to check on the Master's progress).

Another woman—a maid or a nanny, probably—who kept on sneaking glances at him eventually mustered up the courage to jog up next to him and strike up a conversation.

"H-Hi!" she said.

"Oh—hello," Sebastian said, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. Wonderful; just what he wanted on this trip: thousands of women clamoring for his attention. He should have brought that shirt that said: LEAVE ME ALONE but the young Master had said that it was rude to wear it.

"Aren't you uncomfortable?" the woman asked, looking at his leather jacket with the spikes on the shoulders. "Boy, I'm wearing the lightest clothes I could find and I'm still just _sweltering_."

"I'm used to it," he assured her. "I like wearing such things."

"But it's all so… _black_. And black makes things hotter!"

"I like being hot," he said, pun not intended. He didn't want to explain to her that, as a demon, his body always _needed_ to be several degrees hotter than the temperature outside. Heat didn't affect him—coldness did. So the scorching heat didn't bother him a bit; on the contrary, he rather enjoyed it.

The woman giggled nervously and looked behind them.

"So…that woman who came with you…Is she?"

Sebastian paused and also looked back. Eleanora was waiting for the young Master, who tripped and began sliding down on the slippery stones. He grabbed Eleanora's arm to steady himself and almost toppled _her_ , which caused her to spit out curses at him as she righted herself and the Earl. The woman did not look impressed.

"She's a bit…feisty, isn't she?" she said, although clearly she had other words on her mind besides the tame "feisty."

"Maybe a bit," Sebastian said, watching her dust off the young Master. "She's not one to suffer fools. But I don't mind that much. A feisty woman is far more interesting than a docile one, correct?" He smiled at the woman, who blushed.

"But she…Is she…?"

"She's my wife," Sebastian said coolly. "We've been married almost two years now."

"OH!" The woman's face turned a bright scarlet. "I—I'm so sorry; I had no idea that you were married; if I had known, I wouldn't have—I'm sorry…" she said and scampered away.

Sebastian breathed a sigh of relief. There, now. Married life wasn't all roses and sunshine (especially if one was married to such a "feisty" woman as Eleanora), but one of the benefits was that other women would usually leave you alone if they knew that you were already taken for life. In one fell swoop, he had gotten rid of all the conversations most of the women would undoubtedly try to have with him. He must thank Eleanora later. Or maybe he wouldn't. She was always a little distant to him; he didn't like bothering her with trifles.

Eleanora had given up on the young Master and walked up to him.

"Hi."

"Hello," he said, smiling at her. "Having fun yet?"

"You know it," she said, rolling her eyes. "The brochure said 'light exercise.' If this is 'light,' I would really hate to know what 'intense' exercise is."

"Oh, come on; it'll be good for you," he said as they started walking up together.

Eleanora scoffed and glanced at him.

"Are you doing alright?"

"Just fine; why? Are you worried about me?"

"All that black…"

"I like black. It's slimming." He stretched and inconspicuously flexed his muscles at the same time.

"Oh, like you need to be slimmer."

"Why not? It's always important to look nice—even for such a…trip." Sebastian looked up at the mountain; they still had quite a long ways to go.

Eleanora scoffed again.

"What about you? How are you?"

"I've been better," she said, "but I'm fine."

"If you need anything—"

"Trust me; I'm _fine_."

"I never said that you weren't."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Interpret it as you will."

Eleanora glared at him, trying to figure him out, but he just gave her that infuriating smile—the too-perfect one. As usual, she had no idea what he really meant whenever he said such things—which meant that she rarely understood him at all. He was always speaking in riddles and saying cryptic things…Eleanora did not have the patience to stand around and figure them all out.

She strode on ahead, mumbling to herself,

"Cheeky devil."

"You forgot 'handsome' in there," Sebastian called after her. She flipped her hair and walked on, not looking behind her; he couldn't tell if she was amused or irritated or what-have-you.

The young Master dragged himself up next to him, panting.

"I'm not sure," he gasped, "if this is the proper way to use such a phrase, especially as I've never even known her, but: you flirt like my grandmother."

Sebastian looked down at him with distaste.

"'Flirting?' We weren't flirting. We were just talking."

" _Suuure_ ," Ciel said, leaning against his butler's legs for support as he caught his breath. "Maybe you were, because that was so lame it could hardly count as anything _except_ 'talking.'"

Sebastian frowned and walked on, making the young Master lose his balance and fall down.

"Keep up, my Lord," Sebastian called over his shoulder. "You never know how quickly night will fall in these parts."


	3. Chapter 3

Stravinsky's _The Rite of Spring_ was echoing through Eleanora's head—particularly that one part—what was it called again?—Oh, right; the Ritual Action of the Ancestors. It had always sounded like a death march to Eleanora, and that was exactly what Gary Lou and Mary Sue were forcing upon the campers: a death march.

They had been walking uphill for hours in the blistering sun. The young Master had been left far, far behind, as well as most of the other children. The servants were slowly lagging behind, but quite a lot of them were slipping on the rocks and the sand and falling down, where they struggled for a few minutes, trying to get back up, and then failing. Eleanora had passed several people just lying on the burning ground—she hoped that they weren't dead.

And meanwhile, the demonic camp leaders were up ahead of everybody else, singing dementedly cheerful songs. Eleanora didn't know what she wanted to do first: slap them, cry, or just die.

If Ciel had been given a choice, he would have chosen to die. It was hot and his back was sore from carrying this backpack and what he _really_ wanted to do was flop down in the shade somewhere and never get up again. But shade was nonexistent on this cursed mountain. Now Ciel knew what Hell was like. He wondered if Sebastian was enjoying himself.

He wasn't, actually. The heat had no effect on him whatsoever so he was able to quickly move up to the front of the group—right next to Gary Lou and Mary Sue and their vocal talents. Sebastian wasn't much of a singer; in fact, he sounded a bit like a dying crow; but compared to the camp leaders, he was the next Apollo. They sounded _horrible_.

And he was right there next to them.

He thought several times of killing them—that or smacking them around a couple of times. _Anything_ to get them to stop. Then he thought about slowing down, maybe chat with Eleanora a bit or see how well the young Master was getting on. Then he thought about running. Just running. Running far, far away from Camp Happy Funshine and those _idiotic_ camp leaders and that young Master who was undoubtedly complaining even as he thought.

 _"I'm tired, I'm thirsty, I'm miserable,"_ Ciel thought over and over to himself: _"I'm tired, I'm thirsty, I'm miserable. I'm tired, I'm thirsty, I'm miserable. I'm tired, I'm thirsty, I'm miserable."_

Eleanora was going to fall down. She felt it in her legs. The sand was getting so, so slippery now and the sun was just _everywhere_ and she was going to fall down in a dead faint and never get up and she was going to die all alone in a hellhole and she would never know what it felt like to love and be loved and she would never go to Italy and eat food.

This last thought was so distressing that she whimpered a bit and sniffed a couple of times and then she slipped and fell down.

It was like being hit by a white-hot frying pan. She could almost hear her skin sizzling against the stones. But despite the pain, she was lying down and she wasn't using her legs. She was so happy; she was just going to close her eyes for a bit…

Some servants passed her and gave her such pitying looks…She hated those looks. She couldn't stand being pitied. She'd show them. She'd get up right now and she'd make it to the top and then…

She tried to get up, but her back ached and the backpack was so heavy and her legs trembled and the ground slid out from her feet and she fell down again.

She groaned. She couldn't get up. Oh Lord, she couldn't get up. She would just lie there and in twenty million years the archeologists would come and dig her bones up and she would be displayed in a museum forever. She imagined the label that would be on her glass box: IDIOT FEMALE HIKER; DIED OF EXHAUSTION AND DEHYDRATION; DATE OF DEATH UNKNOWN.

She groaned again and closed her eyes. The little tiny rocks were jabbing themselves into her skin and it _hurt_ but she couldn't get up she couldn't get up she couldn't get up…

"Are you alright?" a smooth voice asked above her and she groaned for the third time. Just what she needed: her wretched demon husband watching her fail miserably.

" _Fiiine_ …" she sighed. "Just catching my breath…"

He watched her for a bit.

"Move along, please," she said. "Nothing to see here."

"I'm waiting for you to get up," he said.

"I'll get up in a moment," she said. "Why don't you run up ahead and find some shade or something?"

"I…don't really want to go ahead at the moment," Sebastian said, looking at the mountain. "The leaders started with the green grass song."

Eleanora forced a smile.

"Ooh, that's tough to listen to."

A few minutes passed; she realized that he really wasn't planning on leaving until she had gotten up. _"I'll get up, lose him, and then lie down again,"_ she decided and it would have been a glorious plan if she had been able to _stand up_.

Again her legs didn't work and her back couldn't support the weight of the backpack and she fell back down again. There was no need to flop around the sand like a dying fish and make a further embarrassment of herself. She would just lie still.

The butler sighed and took off his backpack. Eleanora wondered if he was going to pour water on her. That or start whipping her to make her get up and start walking. She wouldn't be surprised either way.

But he didn't do anything like that. He knelt down next to her, removed her backpack, and tied it onto his own.

The servants who had been staggering by stopped to watch him.

He slung the two backpacks over his shoulder and picked up Eleanora, bridal-style.

"Hey—wait, what? No, no; I'm fine; I can walk by myself; you can really put me _dooown_!"

Sebastian ignored all of her protestations and continued walking up the mountain, not at all tired from the extra weight he was carrying.

Eleanora realized that arguing would get her nothing but a sore throat, so she wrapped her arms around his neck and tried to make herself comfortable.

 _"Ah, well,"_ she thought as her eyes closed, _"there are worse ways to embarrass yourself than by being carried up a mountain by your husband."_

Her last conscious thought was if the young Master was doing alright.

Ciel was not. He was getting crankier by the minute and his only really comforting thought was that most of the other noble children were just as out-of-shape as he was and that he wasn't the last one in the group.

McMillan walked next to him; both boys were too tired to really speak to each other; all they could really do was smile weakly and groan.

Then they heard a shout up ahead: Gary Lou was coming back down the mountain to convey a message.

"Right-o, campers! We've already reached the resting point. There's an hour's rest allowed and then we have to get going! We need to reach the camp spot by sundown, after all. From your pace, I dare say you'll get there in about three hours or so…"

 _"Forget that,"_ Ciel thought and new energy came to him with the thought of an hour's rest. All he had to do was get to this…"resting point." Undoubtedly Sebastian would be waiting for him there. Eleanora probably too. She had been pretty far ahead of him.

Putting on a burst of speed, Ciel moved as fast as he could up the mountain, with the other children following.


	4. Chapter 4

Sebastian was one of the first people who had reached the resting point. MS had said that it was the halfway point, which meant that they had another five hour uphill hike. He tried not to think about it; he deposited Eleanora in the shade and set down the two backpacks and his duffle bag.

The resting point had a few trees straggled around, some which provided numerous shade and others which did not. He was glad that he had decided to go up ahead; if he had fallen behind with the rest of the group, there would have been fights to claim the best shady spots. War would have broken out.

He sat down next to Eleanora and stretched. His shoulders had started to ache a little bit.

"Are you doing alright?" she asked him.

"Fine," he said and rubbed his shoulder. "I'm just waiting for this week to be over."

She nodded and looked at the mountain.

"The really sad part is that, by the end of the week, we'll have to climb back _down_ this thing."

"Oh, that shouldn't be so hard. We'll just make a sled and slide right down."

Eleanora smiled and looked with curiosity at his shoulders. He was still rubbing one of them and rotating his arm around.

"Here, let me—"

She leaned over and began massaging his shoulders.

"Mm!" he said.

"I'm sorry; did that hurt?"

"No it didn't; carry on."

She did so. He looked up at the sky and wondered where the young Master was. Maybe he had gotten lost. Or had been eaten by vultures. Where there vultures around here?

"You don't have to do this," he said to Eleanora. "Really, I'm fine."

"You carried me up a mountain," she said. "Really, it's the least I could do." They were silent for a moment, and then she said. "Thank you for that."

"Oh! You're welcome."

Sebastian leaned back against her and watched the other campers flop down in the shade with a sigh and start removing water bottles and things. He wondered when the young Master would manage to make it up here—they only had an hour of rest.

Ciel staggered up about a bit later. He couldn't help but smile upon seeing all that shade—his mood was quickly ruined once he saw his butler lying on Eleanora's lap, reading a book and looking very satisfied.

"Oh, hello my Lord," Sebastian said. "How are you getting on?"

"When did you two get here?" Ciel growled, sitting next to Eleanora.

"About half an hour ago," Sebastian said. "We've been waiting here for you."

"Water, my Lord?" Eleanora offered and Ciel took the bottle gratefully and drank half of it in one sitting.

"Even you, Eleanora? You made it to the top first?"

"We-e-ell," she said, looking awkward. "In a way. He carried me."

"Who carried you?"

"I did," Sebastian said, smirking.

"And you didn't bother to carry _me_?"

"He was also carrying most of the things!" Eleanora said. "He can't carry me plus all the stuff _plus_ you. He would have collapsed."

"Is that true?" Ciel frowned down at Sebastian, who shrugged and again placed his head in Eleanora's lap.

"Perhaps," he said. "I haven't tried it before."

Ciel was about to explode when Eleanora stopped him.

"Don't be upset," she said. "He can carry you the rest of the way."

"What?" Ciel asked.

 _"WHAT?!_ " Sebastian said.

"What?" Eleanora said, glancing at Sebastian. "You could carry me and a heavy backpack. The young Master is much smaller than I am. Or are you tired from all of it?"

"No, I can carry him," he muttered and lay back down with a sigh, holding the book over his face.

Ciel watched the stragglers arrive to the resting point and collapse into the nearest spot of shade with overjoyed sighs. He slowly finished off his water bottle and started on another one as he watched the people bustle by. McMillan was talking to some other kids; at least one of them was making friends.

"Sebastian, I'm hungry," he said and the butler was just about to reply when Mary Sue clapped her hands.

"The hour's break is over!" she shouted, still as happy as ever. "Come on now! We still have quite a long walk to go!"

Eleanora stood up with a groan; everything hurt and her legs had gotten a bit numb from having a grown man lie on her for an hour.

"Where are you going?" Sebastian asked after recovering from the sudden discomfort of having his pillow stand up and walk away. Eleanora untied the two backpacks and slung one over her shoulder.

"I'll be fine now," she said. "Thank you for everything. Look after the Earl, will you?"

And she began following GL and MS and the rest as they again began their weary death march to who-knew-where.

"Wait," Ciel said weakly. "Come back…"

 _"DON'T LEAVE ME WITH HIM_!" he thought in a panic. He could already feel the burning heat of his butler's glaring eyes boring into his back.

But Sebastian didn't say anything. He also stood up, put his book away, and tied the smaller backpack to the bigger one. He put the backpack and the duffle bag on and then grabbed the young Master and began to follow the others.

Normally Ciel didn't object to being carried around, but he _did_ object if he was being carried like a sack of potatoes. Sebastian, instead of carrying him bridal-style, had just tucked him under his arm.

"Oi! Put me down and carry me properly!"

"You can either have one or the other but not both," Sebastian said. He was not looking forward to hiking up the mountain again; he could already hear the camp leaders start crooning "Oh Susanna" up ahead.

Ciel saw that it was useless to argue. He got himself as comfortable as he could and allowed himself to be lugged up the mountain.


	5. Chapter 5

Night was falling and they still hadn't reached the appointed campsite. Sebastian was starting to get a little nervous. Heat didn't affect him, but the cold most certainly did. If it got too cold too quick, he could be in trouble.

He found a matchbook in his pocket, struck a match, and stuck the lit end in his mouth, sucking on the flame as if it was candy. The young Master had fallen asleep on the way up, just like Eleanora, but now he was awake.

"It's getting dark," he said helpfully.

"Yes sir."

"And it's colder."

"Yes sir."

"Are we there yet?"

"No sir."

"How about now?"

"…No sir."

"Now?"

Ahh, the temptation to drop the young Master was sometimes irresistible. But he was a demon; he spent all of his life restraining all of his demonic urges. So he just glanced coolly down at the young Master (which had effectively shut him up) and struck another match.

"Be careful; we might need those later," Ciel said. Sebastian scoffed. _He_ most certainly didn't need matches to light a fire. He was a demon; pretty much everything in his body could be used as lighter fluid. But the young Master didn't need to know that.

There was a light up ahead; Gary Lou and Mary Sue had started a fire and everyone else was crowding around it. Eleanora was waiting for them; after the sun had started to set and the temperature began to drop, walking had gone much easier.

Sebastian very quickly changed his position so that he was now carrying the young Master in a way far more suitable for an Earl. Ciel was tempted to tell Eleanora about the atrocious way he had been carried up until that point, but decided against it. He was too tired to make much of a fuss, especially over something that, in the long run, didn't really matter.

They sat around the fire in silence and waited for the others to catch up. Ciel hadn't seen McMillan in a while; he hoped that it wasn't his responsibility to look out for him.

But eventually he and the others came up and also sat around the fire, all of them looking tired and gloomy.

All of them except GL and MS, of course.

"What a day, huh?" Gary Lou said. "And that was just the first day! Think of the fun that awaits us tomorrow!"

"They're all sadists," Ciel muttered and McMillan grinned.

"Unfortunately," GL continued, "we didn't make it to the campsite today. Far too many slowpokes! But luckily for us, we can stay out here for tonight, camping on the mountain! Doesn't that just sound _fantastic_?"

"But what about _food_?" someone asked in the crowd and the rest agreed. Ciel's stomach growled; now that someone had mentioned it, he realized how hungry he was. When was the last time since he had eaten? Oh, it was this morning; they had stopped by a restaurant to get breakfast. Ciel had gotten an omelet; Eleanora had gotten crepes; Sebastian had ordered everything on the menu and had finished before they had. But that had been hours ago and now he was _hungry_!

Some people started to complain and a couple of servants began to rise and ominously approach the camp leaders. For a glorious two seconds, Sebastian thought that there was going to be a revolution and maybe a lynching or two and then they could all go home again. But he wasn't _that_ lucky; MS grinned and pulled out of her backpack a couple thousand little bags.

"Never fear, campers!" she said. "We've brought plenty of freeze-dried food!"

Gary Lou got a big pot and filled it with water, which he then set on the pot to boil. Bowls were distributed and each person was given one of the bags. Ciel had gotten beef stroganoff.

 _"Well, that doesn't sound too bad,"_ he thought. Sebastian could make beef stroganoff and _it_ always tasted good.

The water boiled and each bowl was filled, then the packets were opened and emptied into the hot water and then let to sit. After a few minutes, Mary Sue said that the food was undoubtedly ready and everyone immediately began to dig in.

Ciel almost vomited. This wasn't beef stroganoff. This was some sort of abomination. McMillan also looked a bit shocked but he still kept on steadily eating. Ciel swallowed his disgust and the morsel of "food" he had taken and tried for another bite. Eleanora's plate was cleared first; she was of the mindset that "beggars can't be choosers."

Sebastian hadn't been so kind; he had taken a bite and had promptly spat it out again.

 _"This isn't food,"_ he thought irritably. Almost a ten hour's hike and what was his reward? Some type of freeze-dried _filth_. It wasn't fit to throw to the angels.

"I'll be right back," he whispered to Eleanora, who nodded. She looked a bit sick; the aftertaste of that horrible food was still fresh in her mouth. Sebastian rose and left the fire, shivering a bit. The fire had been crowded, but at least it had provided a source of heat. Now that he was alone, the full force of the cold hit him hard. He struck another match and put it in his mouth. He would have to be quick; he could already feel his appendix start to freeze.

Everyone had been "fed" (as best as they could; no one had wanted seconds) and Mary Sue suggested a round of singing to cheer everyone up.

Ciel refused to sing and was promptly singled out and forced to sing a solo. He was glad that Sebastian had disappeared; he would hate to have his butler witness his embarrassment.

Sebastian paused and looked up. The young Master was singing. Such a horrible sound! It was hilarious. He grinned and continued.

There might have been that revolution that Sebastian had been hoping for after all, but GL and MS were either very perceptive or very lucky, because right at the moment that patience was about to snap from all the singing, GL said that it was high time they all got some shuteye.

"But how are we going to set up the tents in the dark?" someone asked.

"No need to!" GL said, raising something above his head. "Look what we got here—pup tents!"


	6. Chapter 6

A pup tent—for those not in the know—is essentially a cloth triangle. The best ones are very sturdy and can comfortably host two people. The worst ones are just a large piece of cloth draped over a tree and then nailed to the ground. These ones can _maybe_ fit two very-small people.

Naturally, Gary Lou and Mary Sue only had these second, really bad pup tents that could _maybe_ fit two midgets, and they only had a limited amount so that a whole bunch of people had to share. This meant that Ciel, McMillan, Sebastian, and Eleanora all had to fit under one very tattered cloth that had been pathetically nailed to the sand.

There was a bit of an argument as to how everyone was going to fit inside, but eventually it was decided that they would all lie down in a row, using their backpacks as pillows. It was too dark to dig out blankets or sleeping bags, so they were forced to sleep in their clothes. No one even dared to take their shoes off. So there they all were, lying there like sardines: first Sebastian, then McMillan, then Ciel, and lastly Eleanora.

It had been decided that the two adults should sleep on the outside to protect the children from the elements. This was fine for the two inside, but it was misery for Sebastian and Eleanora. They were too tall for the tent, so it meant that either their heads or their feet would have to stick out of it, and they couldn't tuck their knees in and sleep in a fetal position to keep all of themselves inside it, because if their knees were on the outside, they would pull at the cloth and yank the nails out, and if their knees were on the inside, they would scrunch up against the children inside, which wasn't comfortable for anyone (noble children always had such bony backs).

It wasn't fun for Ciel and McMillan either. It was so cramped that they had to sleep on their backs, which meant that the stones beneath them could jam into their spines, and they couldn't roll over because that would scrunch up the two adults on the outside, and _they_ were tense enough already. It was probably due to sheer exhaustion that they had managed to fall asleep at all.

Ciel woke up in the middle of the night, feeling gross and awkward. He had never slept in the outdoors before; the pup tent smelled funny; sleeping on a backpack caused his neck to ache; and being stuck in-between McMillan and Eleanora made everything _hot_. He tried to go back to sleep when he realized something horrible:

Nature was calling, and calling him _bad_.

He couldn't go outside all alone; it was too dark for that! He rolled over with a groan and shook Eleanora's shoulder.

"Lady," he said, using her nickname. "Lady! Lady, wake up!"

"I want brownies," she mumbled, still asleep.

"Laaady! Wake _up_!"

She woke up with a gasp.

"What? Who? Chocolate?"

"Lady, I have to go," he whispered, trying not to wake up McMillan.

"Then go," she whispered back, settling back down onto her backpack.

"No, you don't understand; I have to…you know… _go_."

"Then go!"

"I have to use the _necessary_."

Eleanora's eyes opened and she sat up with a groan and almost caused the pup tent to go crashing down on them.

"Alright, let's go," she said.

"No; you go back to sleep; I'll go with him," Sebastian groaned from the other side of the tent, rising up.

"Suit yourself," she said and flopped back down. She hadn't the strength to say that she could do it.

Sebastian crawled out of the tent like a spider, his back still facing the ground.

"Shall we?" he said and stretched. Aahh, his toes had already frozen. He struck a match and considered setting his shoes on fire.

The young Master was standing there expectantly.

"Young Master? Aren't you going to go?"

 _"I swear, if I have to pull his pants down for him…"_

"How am I supposed to go?" Ciel asked.

"What—you find a nice tree and you go."

" _What_?" he whisper-shouted. "Just…Just go behind a _tree_? What about sitting down? What about a toilet?"

"Those are luxuries that aren't present here," Sebastian yawned. "You'll just have to make do."

"But what if I have to…you know…"

"We'll cross that bridge once we get to it," Sebastian said and ushered the young Master away from the tents. He leaned against a tree and waited, wriggling his toes. His torso felt incredibly stiff; his internal organs had frozen within his body. Nothing new; it had happened to him more times than he could count. That was what happened when a demon's temperature got too low: his body slowly stopped working. But he would be fine as long as his brain didn't go. He concentrated; that wouldn't happen for another several hours, and by then it would be morning. He couldn't wait to see the sun again and get some feeling back into his feet.

"Sebastian?" the young Master called out.

"Yes?"

"Are there bears around here?"

"I don't know." He thought about it. "Perhaps a couple."

"What do I do if I see one?"

"You leave the area."

"But what if it attacks?"

"It won't attack you if you won't hurt it."

"Are you _sure_?"

"I'm positive."

"But what if it _does_?"

"Then I'll get another tattoo and a bottle of wine to celebrate," Sebastian muttered.

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing! Are you done, my Lord?"

"Y-Yes…"

Ciel came back, his face bright red.

"That was horrible and humiliating. I _never_ want to do that again." He looked at his butler. "By the way, your lips are blue."

"I know," he said, licking them. His tongue felt a bit cold too; he struck another match and put it in his mouth. "Shall we go back?"

"But I haven't washed my hands…"

Sebastian sighed and reached into his pocket, bringing out a small bottle of hand sanitizer.

"There, that will have to do for the moment," he said. "Now let's go back to the tent."

 _"I'm freezing,"_ he thought, shivering a bit. Not that the tent would provide any extra warmth, but at least he would be lying down. He was tired.

Ciel was about to follow him when there was a snapping sound behind them. He slowly turned around…

"S-Sebastian?" he squeaked.

" _Whaaat_?" the butler groaned, looking back.

"B-Bear!" the young Master said and darted behind Sebastian.

The bear lumbered forward, growling softly. It sniffed the air a couple of times— _"Such a big nose!"_ Ciel thought—and moved forward until its huge face was a few inches away from Sebastian's.

Sebastian remained perfectly calm. He didn't look at all scared—just annoyed. As if the bear's antics irritated him.

The bear sniffed his face a couple of times, made a "whuff!" sound, and lumbered away as fast as it could go.

"Wh-What was that?" Ciel asked. "How did you do that?"

"Most human animals can't stand the smell of demon," Sebastian said calmly, watching the bear go. "They usually avoid any area that smells of an unholy. As long as you're near me, you don't have to scared of any creature."

"'The smell of demon?'" Ciel murmured. "But…you don't smell."

"Demons smell," Sebastian said, striding back to the tent. "Our scent is just incredibly lighter than most, so inherently inferior creatures—like humans—can't sense it."

"What do you _mean_ , 'inherently inferior creatures?' Am _I_ inherently inferior?"

"Interpret it as you will, my Lord," Sebastian said, smirking and then flopped back down onto his backpack with a sigh, waiting for morning.


	7. Chapter 7

"Wakey, wakey, campers!" Mary Sue's abnormally happy voice screamed throughout the camp. "It's time to rise and shine for another fun-filled day of fun!"

Ciel was already about to say, "Sebastian, kill that woman," but McMillan had rolled over and had accidently thrown his arm over his mouth, so what he said was, "Sebmmmmph, mmph mmph mmmmh."

Sebastian woke up with a splitting headache. His whole body ached, and he wasn't pleased to see that he had been woken up in the _very_ early morning, so that the sun still hadn't come out yet. He tried to sit up and there were several cracking sounds—that was the ice in his body smashing together.

"I refuse to get up," Ciel moaned, collapsing back onto his backpack. "I _won't_ get up. I'm staying right here."

Gary Lou approached the tent, his face eerily happy…He was going to say something…Maybe do something horrible…Like tickle him…

"Alright, al _right_ , I'll get up!" Ciel shouted and s-l-o-w-l-y sat up, moaning from pain. Everything hurt: his neck, his back, his muscles; even his _hair_ hurt him, probably because it felt so dirty. He hadn't bathed yet, and he _really_ wanted a wash.

Sebastian stood up and easily tore down the pup tent. He knelt over Eleanora and gently shook her shoulder.

"Lady?" he said. "Lady. It's time to wake up."

She moaned and rolled over onto her side. He shook her a bit more vigorously.

"Lady! Wake up."

"Mmm…I want some…" she whispered in her sleep.

"Lady?" Sebastian said, surprised.

"Mmm…You know I want some…" she continued. "Oh, yes; I want a lot of it…"

Oh, she was having a dirty dream. Well, that was understandable. He had a couple every now and then. He wondered if he was in it and shook her again.

"Lady! Wake up."

"You're doing it wrong," Ciel sighed and leaned over. "Lady! Bacon!"

"Hm-What?" Eleanora said, immediately awake. "Bacon?"

Sebastian glared at the young Master, who smirked at him.

"Sleep well, Lady?"

"Like hell," Eleanora groaned, rubbing her back. "I'm surprised I managed to go to sleep at all."

"You dreamt, though. We heard you."

"Mmm, I was having the most wonderful dream," she mumbled. "There was this big table…"

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. On a _table_! She had a dirtier mind than he had thought.

"And this table," she continued dreamily, "was full of…things…Yummy things…"

"Oh really? Like what?" Sebastian asked casually.

"Like…bonbons…and…brownies…and…truffles…and…"

" _Chocolate_?" Sebastian said. "You were dreaming about _chocolate_?"

She scowled up at him.

"What else would I be dreaming about? _You_?"

Sebastian was about to reply when Mary Sue started shouting again.

"Wake up, lazybones! We still have a ways to go before we reach the campsite!"

"Sebastian, could you—" Ciel began.

He had actually wanted to ask his butler if he could carry him again, but the glance that he was given said in no uncertain terms that death would come quickly if he dared to broach the subject. So he remained silent and slung his backpack over his sore shoulders again and then everyone in the camp again began their journey up the mountain, like convicts heading for the guillotine.


	8. Chapter 8

It took them all three hours to get up to the campsite. They were all happy to see that it was actually flat, with real ground that didn't slip under their feet, and was covered in shade and trees.

"Alright, campers!" MS said. "Choose your spot and dump your things and let's get going!"

"'Get going?'"

"What does she _mean_ , 'get going?'"

"Aren't we staying here?"

"Nonsense!" GL said in reply to all the concerned murmurs around him. "The day has just begun!"

"Come along, explorers!" MS said. "We have an exciting hike ahead of us! So much to do and so little time!"

There were groans and the occasional mumbled death threat, but everyone still tossed their backpacks aside and wearily followed GL and MS into the nearby forest. Ciel and McMillan ended up somewhere in the middle of the throng, while Sebastian and Eleanora were in the back.

"Some trip, huh?" McMillan said.

"I didn't want to go," Ciel sighed. "My aunt made me."

"Your aunt? What about your parents?"

"Dead," he said shortly.

"Oh! I'm so sorry."

"And yours?"

"Still alive and kicking, I'm afraid," McMillan sighed. "Mother insisted that I go, get some real outdoors experience."

"I noticed that you don't have a servant?"

"No, Mother said that bringing a servant along wouldn't be the real outdoors' experience. But you brought two?"

"I don't think that I could survive with just one," Ciel said, looking back over his shoulder, trying to find them.

"Who are they, by the way?"

"Sebastian's my butler, and Eleanora's my maid. They're married."

"Married? Really? How nice! Mother always says that there's nothing happier than a loving married couple."

"Happy? Who said that they were happy?"

"They aren't?"

"Eleanora hates Sebastian's guts and Sebastian has the emotional capacity of a walnut. Less, probably. The walnut probably feels more than he does."

"Oh! I suppose that explains why she was so snarky to him this morning." McMillan paused and thought. "Ph-Phantomhive?"

"Yes?"

"Have you ever…you know…done this before?"

"What—been forced to obey two unnaturally happy sadists who are determined to kill us in the woods so that no one can find our bodies?—No."

"No, I meant have you ever had a true wilderness experience? Gone hiking or something?"

"Well, I got _lost_ in a wood once," Ciel said reflectively. "It was horrible. I think I was missing for about five minutes."

"And then what happened?"

"Oh, Sebastian found me and brought me back to civilization. He came in the nick of time; I thought that I had started degenerating into a wolf-boy or something."

"Wow," McMillan said, looking at Ciel with a healthy dose of respect.

"What do you suppose they're talking about?" Eleanora asked, watching the two boys converse from a distance.

"Undoubtedly the young Lord is bragging about the time that he got lost in Hyde Park," Sebastian sighed.


	9. Chapter 9

Generally, Eleanora thought that the walk could have been worse. They were in the shade; the ground was fairly level; Mary Sue and Gary Lou were far, far away; she didn't have to make conversation with the person walking next to her, and for _that_ she was uncommonly grateful.

Sebastian walked next to Eleanora, thinking if he should make conversation. He decided against it; he had nothing worthwhile to say, and besides, both he and his wife hated worthless small talk. He looked around at the scenery and thought that _maybe_ this wouldn't be so bad if it was just him and her, as everyone else was heaven-bent on complaining, and complaining _loudly_. It wasn't like him to envy humans, but he couldn't help but wish that he could daydream like Eleanora—she wasn't paying attention to anything at _all_.

Ciel and McMillan were panting too hard to complain about much of anything. _Goodness_ , this hike was _hot_! There was absolutely no shade! And it was going _uphill_! And MS and GL were _singing_ again. Ciel couldn't decide which he hated more. Then Mary Sue tried to hit a really high note and Ciel made his decision.

They walked on for several hours, the children slowing down and the servants increasing their griping, until GL and MS suddenly stopped.

"There it is!" Mary Sue said. "People are _always_ a bit tetchy after that hike up that mountain, so we always take them here first to relax!"

Everyone peeked over her shoulder and gasped and whispered appreciatively. The hike had taken them to a little forest lake.

"Well, go on, everybody; get in!" Gary Lou said, taking off his clothes. "The water's great!"

He jumped in with a splash, whooping.

"Ah, this is the stuff! Nothing better than a clean, cold bath after a long, hot hike!"

"Come on!" Mary Sue said and also entered the water after Gary Lou.

The campers glanced at each other, but eventually all of them peeled off their clothes and hesitantly entered the water.

"Ooh!"

"Ah, it's cold!"

"But it feels so nice!"

"Hooray!"

Ciel tested the water with his fingers before allowing Sebastian to take off his clothes. He glanced at Eleanora, who was settling in the shade.

"Aren't you going to go in?"

"No, I'm fine," she smiled.

"But I thought that you liked swimming?"

"My Lord," Eleanora said, her smile turning a little thin, "I'm not dumb enough to swim around in my underwear in a pool full of men— _especially_ …you know… _him_." She glanced pointedly at the butler. "Besides, I don't trust our leaders. I don't think that that water's safe."

Sebastian cupped his hand and scooped out some water and drank it.

"It's clean enough," he said. "One probably wouldn't want to drink it straight for several hours, but for an afternoon's bathing, it should be alright."

"Suit yourself," Eleanora said, resting her back against a tree, "but I'm staying here."

"Sebastian," Ciel whispered, "are you disappointed?"

"My Lord?" Sebastian said, looking up.

"I mean that you're not going to see Eleanora in her undergarments."

The butler sighed.

"Did Madam Red tell you to look out for that?"

"Y-Yes," Ciel said. Personally, he didn't understand all the fuss about seeing Eleanora in her underwear. It was his maid in less clothing. So what?

Sebastian went back to unbuttoning his young Master's shirt.

"My Lord, if I wanted to see Eleanora in her undergarments—which I don't—I would make sure that we would be in a more… _private_ place."

Ciel scoffed and tentatively entered the water. Thankfully, it wasn't very deep in places, so he wouldn't actually have to _swim_. He _hated_ swimming. But he had to confess, the water _did_ feel very nice, _especially_ after all that _horrible_ walking.

Sebastian waited to make sure that the young Lord wasn't drowning and began removing his clothes as well. Spiked combat boots, socks, black leather pants, leather jacket, shirt, other shirt…Everyone in the pool had stopped what they were doing and began watching him, giving him the usual glances: most of the women were staring at him with desire and fascination; most of the men were staring at him with envy and fascination. The typical looks he got whenever he removed his clothes.

Just out of idle curiosity, he peeked over his shoulder to see if Eleanora was impressed. She was chewing on a grass stalk and gazing dreamily out at the forest.

 _"That's typical as well,"_ he thought and fully removed his other shirt, revealing his black muscle shirt which he wore as an undershirt. He was about to remove that too, as all of the other men were swimming around shirtless, and all the adults were straining to get a look at his abs when he remembered _the_ tattoo and quickly pulled his shirt back on and got into the lake.

As far as Ciel knew, Sebastian only had the four tattoos: the MOTHER tattoo on his right arm; the FATHER tattoo on his left arm; the demon wings on the small of his back, and then _the_ tattoo. No one ever knew precisely what _the_ tattoo depicted, as Sebastian had never shown it to anyone. In fact, he was rather humiliated by it. He had accidentally gotten drunk with Agni and the Undertaker— _dead_ drunk in fact; so drunk that when he woke up, he realized that he had gotten another tattoo on his left pectoral. It so embarrassed him that he always had it covered up; only he knew what it was of. Despite his obvious shame of it, he never got it removed. Ciel had always wondered why. Maybe it would be too inconvenient. Or expensive. Or something.

Everyone chatted and splashed and swam around for several hours while Eleanora lazed about in the shade. They played games—Ciel and the other children got into a pretty intense game of "Marco Polo" while Sebastian was invited to play that other game: where two men stand in the water with a woman on each of their shoulders and the women try to knock each other off; Sebastian didn't know what it was called, but for some reason, all of the women wanted to sit on his shoulders while all the men wanted to beat him. He didn't mind; all he really had to do was just stand there and wait for it to be over.

It was starting to get late and the water was steadily turning from "pleasantly cool" to "hypothermia water." Mary Sue got out and clapped her hands.

"Alright everybody!" she said. "We've got to hike back while it's still light out! Let's get going!"

Everybody got out of the water and shook themselves. They didn't mind hiking back; it had been a lovely afternoon and everyone was getting pretty tired of swimming anyway.

Ciel slogged wearily to Eleanora, ready to be dried and then dressed, when McMillan stopped him.

"Phantomhive, hold still; there's something on your back."

"Hm? Well, get it off."

McMillan grabbed whatever-it-was and tried to pry it off.

" _OW!_ "

"What—did that hurt?"

"Yes. Ow! What _is_ that?"

"My Lord," Sebastian said suddenly. "Don't move. Don't try to take it off."

"Why not?" Ciel said, turning impatiently towards his butler, only to freeze in horror. There were dozens—perhaps thousands—of writhing black things on his butler's arms and back and legs. "What the he—"

" _Leeches,"_ Eleanora said, noticing what was happening for the first time. "Oh, god; you're covered in leeches."

" _Leeches?"_ someone shouted in the crowd. "There were _leeches_ in this water?!"

"Don't move," Eleanora said, standing up. "How many are there?"

"Ohh, there's one on meeee," Ciel moaned. "Eleanora, get it off. Get it off me!"

"How many are on you?" she said, turning to him with a stern look.

"Just the one, it seems," McMillan said, looking at Ciel all around.

"And _you_ have one too," Ciel pointed out, "on your arm."

"GAAAH! Get it _off_ of me!"

"Wait, wait!" Ciel said, grabbing McMillan's arm. "Maybe we can pull it off or something!"

" _OOOOOOWWWW!_ "

"Maybe some salt would help," Eleanora said. "Does anyone have some salt? Do you have salt on you?" She turned to the butler. Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

"Do I _look_ as if I carry salt with me on a regular basis? Oh, there's another one."

He winced as a leech crawled up out of his shirt and attached itself to his neck. Eleanora looked around.

"Does _anyone_ have some salt?"

"I think I read somewhere that salt on a leech is bad," McMillan said. "Something about…infections?"

"You mean I could get an _infection_ from this thing?" Ciel yelped. "Eleanora! Sebastian! Get this thing off of me right _now_!"

Sebastian sighed and grabbed hold of the leech, which suddenly popped right off his skin.

"Is it off? Did you get it off? What happened?"

"It must have drunk its fill," Sebastian said, examining the now bloated leech, "and has just fallen off."

"Am I bleeding? Is there a lot of blood? Am I going to die?" Ciel felt very faint.

"No, you're fine," Eleanora said. "There's just a bit of blood; I'll clean it up properly as soon as we get back."

"Oh, look; mine's just fallen off too," McMillan said, and Sebastian threw both leeches back into the water.

"But what are we going to do about Sebastian?"

Sebastian really did seem to be a problem. They didn't want to wait around for all of the leeches to drop off, and they didn't want to just pry them off for fear of having him bleed to death. Eleanora was still mulling over the salt idea, but in the end, they didn't have a chance to do anything because McMillan suddenly pointed at Ciel and screamed,

"Your back! Look at your _back!_ "

Eleanora hadn't lied; when the leech had dropped off, it looked like just a little spot of blood. But it kept on bleeding and bleeding and bleeding, and now it looked as if there was a waterfall of blood spilling down Ciel's back. Likewise, McMillan's arm was looking rather red.

"What's happening? Are we going to die? I don't want to die!" Ciel looked around in desperation, first at his servants, and then at the rest of the people who were now frantically finding leeches on their bodies and trying to get them off.

"You know, I once knew a man who went swimming with leeches," Sebastian said meditatively, brushing off the creatures which had drunk their fill of his blood. "He came out missing his whole left arm. Nothing left but the stump; most of his shoulder was missing as well…"

Ciel and McMillan fainted.

"…But then we realized that he had accidentally mistaken a 'leech' for a 'crocodile,'" Sebastian finished, earning himself a glare from Eleanora.

"Was that _really_ necessary?"

"It shut them up, didn't it?" Sebastian shrugged, pulling his clothes back on. "Let's go back to the site. By the time we get there, most of the ones on my body should also drop off."

The two dressed the boys and slung them over their shoulders and walked back to the camp, the other campers tentatively following.


	10. Chapter 10

The walk back to the camp site was mostly silent. Even Gary Lou and Mary Sue, the Stupendous Singing Shitheads, were very quiet. They hadn't dared to try to cheer everybody up after tricking them into swimming in leech-infested waters. There were around forty people in the camp; about thirty of them had gotten bitten by at least one leech. Eleanora was so proud of herself for not trusting those moronic camp leaders and getting into the water—there wasn't the slightest thing resembling a leech on her.

The butler, however, was a different story altogether. He had put his clothes on over the leeches and had started walking back with her, with McMillan slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Eventually both the young Master and McMillan regained consciousness and were able to walk on their own, which was good because Sebastian was starting to feel a little faint.

Eleanora was getting a bit concerned about the butler, which was definitely a very rare occurrence. He kept on slowing down and leaning against trees; he needed more breaks and kept on panting. He would get disoriented and start walking away from the path; his eyes had a dreamy, confused expression.

"Are you alright?" Eleanora asked when he accidentally walked into a tree.

"Fine, fine," he mumbled, staggering away and then walking into another tree.

Eleanora linked her arm through his and began leading him. He rested his head on her shoulder and sighed. He was feeling very, very ill. Even for him, it wasn't good to lose so much blood. Some leeches were still attached; he could feel them; but he also could feel some that had dropped off and were trapped underneath his clothes, making the wounds bleed freely.

Finally they arrived at the campsite. Mary Sue and Gary Lou led the leeched over to administer first-aid.

"Aren't you coming?" MS asked Sebastian. Eleanora was leading him to where they had dropped their things.

"I'm afraid that he has…allergies," Eleanora said, thinking fast. "He can't stand _regular_ first-aid; he needs… _special_ care."

This was only a partial lie. First-aid for humans usually involved some form of alcohol as a disinfectant, and alcohol was the drink of the holy—therefore, sheer poison to the unholy. Smearing alcohol all over his wounds would only hurt him the more.

Eleanora helped the woozy Sebastian remove his layers of clothing, which caused several leeches to fall off and try to squirm away. However, some were still attached to his skin and the ones that had dropped off had left injuries that were still bleeding. She dug around in the backpacks until she had found their medical kit: instead of having a red cross on the box, like the humans' did, this cross was black. She found the unholy disinfectant and told Sebastian to take off his muscle shirt—it was ruined anyway; the leeches had torn holes in it.

Sebastian was just about to do it when he suddenly remembered _the_ tattoo and immediately put his shirt back on.

"What are you doing? Take it off."

"I can't," he mumbled. "The tattoo…"

"You're worried about _that_? _Now_?"

Sebastian just sighed and tried not to fall asleep.

"Well, turn around and take it off then," she said. "You can clean your front while I'll do your back. Then I won't see the tattoo. Good?"

Sebastian nodded and turned around, facing away from her, and then peeled off his muscle shirt, which had gotten sticky and clingy with blood. Eleanora poured the disinfectant on two cloths (also conveniently placed in the medical kit) and handed one to Sebastian. She started working on his back, getting off the leeches by sticking her fingernails under their suckers.

"I wonder if leeches taste good…" Sebastian said dreamily, watching the bloated leeches squirm around in the grass.

"I don't know, and you're not going to try," Eleanora said.

"Maybe they won't be so bad fried…" he continued, "or sautéed…or something…"

"You're not going to eat leeches, especially leeches that are stuffed with your blood."

"It's either the leeches or the freeze-dried 'food'…" Sebastian said.

Eleanora looked down at the fallen leeches. Maybe they would be a bit appetizing, if one added a bunch of spices and somehow removed all of the blood…

She shook her head and started bandaging his torso.

"You're not going to try to eat leeches," she said and moved on to his arms.

They were finished in about half-an-hour. Sebastian's torso, legs, and arms had been fully bandaged, so he looked like a half-finished mummy. Eleanora tried to make a makeshift bed out of the backpacks and eased him onto them.

"You just rest," she said. "Get your strength back. Don't worry about anything and take care of yourself."

"Mmm…" Sebastian said, smiling a little and getting cozy on backpacks. He was already mostly asleep.

Eleanora covered him with his leather jacket and hoped that no one would come over and try to look at him. His blood was usually red as a type of demonic camouflage, but now weakness had made it turn its usual color: black. The bites hadn't stopped bleeding; she hoped that he would repair himself quickly. She gathered up all of the leeches and strode over to the others, where they had finished their leeching business as well.

"Well, now that that's all over with," Mary Sue said, trying to regain her upbeat tone, "let's have some _real_ fun!"

"What—we're going to go swimming with the alligators now?" someone muttered in the crowd.

Gary Lou flushed an angry red.

"We had _thought_ that they had gone away; we didn't think that the leeches would be back…"

"You mean that you _knew_ that they were _there_?"

"Well, they're there every year, but this time we thought that we would get lucky…"

Eleanora and Ciel shared a look. This wasn't real. This couldn't be real. They were insane!

"But now that all that messy business is over with," Mary Sue continued cheerfully, "let's go on to our next _great_ activity!" She held up two sticks. "We're going to make _fire_!"


	11. Chapter 11

Ciel had seen survival movies; both Eleanora and Sebastian enjoyed watching them. Eleanora liked them because she thought that they represented both the positive and negative aspects of the human spirit. Ciel didn't know why Sebastian liked them, but he thought that he found them amusing, because whenever they watched them, he would always snigger and one time Ciel heard him say under his breath, "silly human."

But the point was, Ciel had seen survival movies, and in some of the survival movies, the characters try to make fire by rubbing two sticks together. It had always seemed to work in the movies, but Eleanora had always said that movies weren't like real life.

"If movies were of real life," she said once, "my demon husband would have been exorcised by now and I would be married to a real hunk."

Sebastian had overheard that last part and spent the rest of the week depressed.

But again, he was digressing!

The _point_ was that he kept on trying to make a fire by rubbing the two sticks together and it wasn't _working_!

"Aaaarrrrgggg," he said to McMillan as he rubbed the sticks together. He rubbed them so hard that one of them snapped and he had to go and find another one.

"Maybe we need something else," McMillan suggested. "Like a bowstring. I think that that's how it's done."

"Perfect! And just where are we going to get a bowstring?"

"Well, maybe a shoelace would work just as well…"

Eleanora was a step above Ciel in that she had read survival books, but even then she still didn't know how to light a fire using two sticks. She had always assumed that that was just a primitive practice that was no longer needed, what with all the matches and fire-starters and lighter fluids and all the other fun, pyromaniacal technology that currently existed. But for the sake of being a good sport about it all, and for some kind of learning experience, she tried to do it.

"What are you doing?" Sebastian asked. He had just woken up and was feeling much better.

"Trying to start a fire," Eleanora panted.

"We have matches in the backpack."

"Mary Sue insisted we use sticks."

One of them broke and she had to go and find another one.

"Eleanora, not to judge your fire-starting skills," Sebastian said, watching her, "but you will die before you get so much of a spark from those things."

Eleanora took a break and glanced at all the other groups. No one else seemed to be making much progress either. The young Master and McMillan had seemed to gone _way_ off-topic because they were trying to tie a shoelace to a stick.

"Well, do you have any suggestions?" She turned to the butler.

"None that wouldn't involve a heavy dose of arson."

"So, nothing helpful?"

"I actually have always found arson to be rather therapeutic…"

Eleanora looked at him to see if he was being serious. He just grinned and took one of the sticks. He broke one in half and stuck one half into his mouth, sucking on it, and then taking it out again. Now it was absolutely drenched in demon saliva.

He took the other stick, positioned it above the other (which he was holding at a slant) and struck the salivated one. It immediately ignited and a fire was roaring in a matter of seconds.

Eleanora just stared at it.

"How—How did you…?"

Sebastian just grinned again and stood up, pulling on his leather jacket.

"It's getting rather late. Why don't you go and assist the young Master in his…endeavors while I hitch up the tent?"

Eleanora mechanically rose up and walked over to the young Master. He and McMillan had given up and were now trying to surreptitiously light a fire-starter cube using a match.


	12. Chapter 12

Ciel decided that he didn't see the point of campfires. They only burned you, they made everything smell of smoke, they were hell to start, and didn't provide much light anyway. Campfires were overrated. He was glad to move on to the task of setting up the tent.

He gave Eleanora explicit instructions not to assist them in any way, so she lay by their fire and indulged her pyromaniac whims, setting fire to pinecones and such.

"This shouldn't be so hard," McMillan said cheerfully, getting out his tent. "I've seen tents in sports stores before; all we have to do is make it look like the picture on the bag!"

Ciel nodded, looking at the photograph. It didn't look difficult at all. Nice and roomy. This would be a breeze.

McMillan opened up the bag and shook it out. One huge piece of canvas fell out, along with several small metallic poles.

Ciel and McMillan looked at the mess and then at the photograph. This tent didn't look roomy at all. Wasn't it supposed to have an umbrella-like shape?

"Eleanora," Ciel called out, "there's something wrong with this tent. It doesn't look like the picture at all."

"You have to set it up, my Lord," Eleanora said. She had gotten tired of the fire and was now staring up at the sky, watching the stars come out and chewing on a blade of grass.

"'Set it up?' You mean like…actually _doing something_?" This changed things entirely. He had thought that it would just pop out of the bag, maybe a bit dented, but nothing that required actual _toil_.

McMillan had the same sick look on his face; clearly he had been thinking the same thing.

"How do they set them up in the sports stores?" Ciel whispered to him.

"I don't know," he whispered back. "I thought that they were sent to them ready-made."

"There should be some instructions in the bag," Eleanora said.

They dug around in the bag and found the piece of paper.

"…This is in _three_ languages, Eleanora."

"Then find English, Einstein."

They fooled around with the paper some more until they found the English side.

"Alright," Ciel said, clearing his throat, "'Connect the tent poles.'"

"Right!" McMillan said, plunging his hands into the mess. "Phantomhive," he said, straightening himself back out, "what _are_ tent poles?"

"Weeell," Ciel said, "they're poles. For tents. You know. Tent poles."

"But…what do they _look_ like?"

They again glanced down at the mess.

"…These instructions are no help at _all_ ," Ciel said irritably, shoving them back into the tent bag. "I've never trusted anything that's written in French, anyway. Where _are_ the tent poles?"

Eleanora didn't know whether to laugh or groan. Forget instructions; they needed a how-to book for the complete and unadulterated moron.

McMillan hesitantly picked up one of the metal rods.

"Phantomhive," he said suddenly, "these are attached to each other by strings."

Ciel couldn't resist an eye-roll. _More_ strings? He had already broken _one_ shoelace trying to get that damn _fire_ going.

"No, but seriously; look!" McMillan tried to straighten two rods out and they snapped together, creating a relatively straight (but still slightly bendy) pole.

"A _tent pole_!" Ciel said, getting excited. "McMillan, you're a _genius_."

McMillan giggled and they began snapping the rods together until they ended up with two very long rods.

"Okay, _now_ what?"

Eleanora made a sound between an exasperated sigh and a badly-suppressed giggle.

"I _think_ ," Ciel said, scowling at Eleanora, "that we have to—somehow—make the tent…rise up…using these…tent poles."

Eleanora looked up at the sky again.

 _"Thank the lord, a miracle has occurred; he's finally said something intelligent—in a way."_

"But how are we going to do that?" McMillan asked, gazing at his partner. " _How_ , Phantomhive? _How_?"

 _"Dear god; I'm surrounded by idiots,"_ Eleanora thought. She hoped that at least the butler knew what he was doing. She didn't think she could handle him saying that he didn't read the instructions because he hated the French.

The boys began inspecting the canvas and discovered that there were hoops of fabric connected to it. Unfortunately, the hoops seemed to be placed in a completely illogical order, and so seemed to be absolutely useless.

"What shall we do? Should we consult the instructions again?"

"No, let's just…figure it out…ourselves."

Ciel took one pole and slung it through one of the hoops, causing the canvas to look a bit less flat. The boys shared a look; McMillan grabbed another pole and pulled it through another hoop.

The result was some kind of squashed-canvas thing that vaguely resembled the photo on the bag.

They looked at each other again.

"Eleanora?" Ciel said. "Eleanora, it's not working…"

"Oh, for the love of," she groaned and stood up. "There should be a plastic bag filled with spikes."

McMillan found it and held it out to her.

"Good. Now find the bottom and nail it down to the ground," she said and walked away. "Sweet dreams, kids."

Ciel and McMillan watched her go.

"…You think that she's being serious?" McMillan whispered to Ciel. "She's coming back…right?"

"I…wouldn't count on that," Ciel said and turned back to their handiwork. "But let's do what she said and nail it to the—hey, where'd it go?"

Their tent had gotten caught by a gust of wind and was now rolling away from them.


	13. Chapter 13

The young Master and his so-called camp "buddy" were screaming for some reason. And also they took off running. Probably Mary Sue waltzed over to check on their progress. She couldn't blame them; she would also have done the same if confronted with one of the camp leaders. She hummed something under her breath and entered the shady spot where she had left the butler and the backpacks. She found a large tent instead.

 _"Oh, thank goodness,"_ she thought. _"He could set one up."_

But she had to make sure that it really was him, and not someone else.

"S-Sebastian?"

"Eleanora?"

The tent flap opened and the butler stepped out. Normally, he slept in an oversized white shirt. Now, however, he was wearing a very long black muscle shirt. It was enough to slightly cover his rear, but his legs were still quite bare. Eleanora tactfully decided not to look at them.

"Hi," she said. "Did you get everything set up?"

"Yes, it's all ready for you." He opened the flap and gestured her inside. "After you."

"Thank y—"

She broke off upon seeing the interior of the tent.

As far as she knew, sleeping in the outdoors meant two sleeping bags in a cramped tent with the backpacks stashed somewhere on the sides. This was not like that at all.

For one thing, the butler had somehow gotten electricity. There was a mini-refrigerator in the corner, a heating and cooling system, and several lamps. He had set up two folding chairs and there was a mini-tent in the corner, leading who-knew-where.

But the biggest thing that attracted her attention was the bed.

He had unfolded two cots, inflated an air mattress, and had shoved the cots together and placed the mattress on them to make a double bed, which he then covered with actual sheets and pillows and blankets.

Eleanora just stood there. Sebastian scooted past her and zipped the tent closed.

"Kindly take your shoes off; let's not track dirt into the tent," he said. He sat down on one of the chairs and continued reading his book.

"You—Why—How—" she choked out.

"I why how what?"

"How—You— _Electricity_? _Really_?"

"Are you wondering about that?"

Eleanora scoffed.

"Solar power," he said simply, returning to his book. "I charged the batteries all of yesterday and today. Every morning, we shut the power off and the batteries will charge. Then, at night, we'll turn the power back on and _voila_."

"Oh really? And what about the fridge?"

"Oh, it just has water and some iced tea; nothing that needs to be kept constantly cold. Would you like something to drink?"

Eleanora did, but she refused to give in just yet. She took her shoes off and wandered around the tent. It was well-lighted and pleasantly cool; he had turned on the AC. She peeked into the mini-tent—

"Are you !ing _kidding_ me?"

"What is it?"

"A freakin' _toilet_?"

"I thought it would be a better alternative than what is currently available."

"And what is this? A _shower_?"

"Also solar-heated, but we have a limited supply of water, so only use it the most dire situations. When washing your hands, kindly use the sanitizer. It's on the floor, there."

Eleanora stepped out of the bathroom, looking a little pale. Sebastian was still reading.

"Well?" he said. "Is everything satisfactory?"

"What the hell," she said quietly. "What. The. Actual. Hell."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I _mean_ , that while everyone else is sleeping on the ground in sleeping bags, with a broken-down outhouse for a bathroom, we're sleeping in the Ritz."

"You flatter me," he said, smiling.

"It's not a compliment," she said icily. "We were sent here to get the _real_ outdoors experience, and the _real_ outdoors experience isn't about someone sleeping in comfort while the rest suffer. It's about everyone suffering _equally_ , in nightmarish togetherness."

"Eleanora," Sebastian said, standing up and moving close to her, "I have been in the wilderness before. I have been through the 'real' outdoors experience, and let me tell you:" here he leaned in scarily close to her, " _this is not it_."

She gulped.

"So we might as well make the best of a bad situation," Sebastian continued cheerfully, moving away from her. "Besides, we're suffering just as much as everyone else in the daytime. Why can't we enjoy ourselves at night?" He sprawled out on the bed and smiled at her. "Now, which side do you want?"

"…Excuse me?"

"Which side do you want? Left or right?"

Eleanora wrapped her arms around herself and moved back away from him.

"What? What is it? Are you…" He trailed off and his eyes widened. "Oh. You don't think—Eleanora, you really don't think that _I_ …"

"I wouldn't know," she said coldly. "You never can tell with demons—particularly _male_ demons."

"Eleanora," he said, looking a bit cold himself, "firstly, I am a gentleman, and so would _never_ compromise a lady's honor. Secondly, I am a demon, and it's considered taboo to make certain advances without permission. And thirdly, I am your husband, and so, if I _did_ decide to make advances—which I won't—you would be perfectly safe and it would be perfectly legal."

Eleanora glared at him with distrust.

"…Are you sure?"

"I never lie."

"…Then I'll take the right."

Sebastian smiled and accordingly moved over.

"Where are the backpacks? I need something to sleep in."

He pointed; they were in a corner. Eleanora found the bag containing her clothes and darted into the bathroom.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm changing."

"Why in there?"

There was silence. Then Sebastian said in a low voice,

"My sincerest apologies."

 _"Yeah, I'll bet. Perverted demon scum."_

She found her nightgown and quickly changed her clothes and stepped back out. Sebastian raised an eyebrow but didn't comment.

"Do you remember that mall trip?"

"Oh, you mean the only thing worse than this? How could I possibly forget?"

"You remember when we went to that store?"

"Secrets of Victoria? Yes."

"And I got you those nightdresses?"

Eleanora paused.

"Y-Yes…"

"I packed you one."

"I saw it."

"It's lighter and more comfortable than… _that_." He frowned at her nightgown: the one with the turtleneck and the long sleeves that reached down to her ankles.

Eleanora crossed her arms.

"I'm getting this one."

"If you insist," he said, going back to his book. "It's no business of mine as to what a lady chooses to wear to bed."

Eleanora got onto the right side of bed.

"Good night, Mr. Michaelis."

"Good night, _Mrs_. Michaelis."

Eleanora rose up and glared at him; he smirked at her.

"You're dead to me," she said and fell back down on her pillow.


	14. Chapter 14

"Wakey _WAAAAAKEEEEEEE_!" Mary Ann bleated like a dying sheep. "Rise and shine, campers! It's time for another fun day in Camp Happy Funshine!"

Sebastian did not know much about women, particularly human women, but he did know Eleanora pretty well, and he knew that—out of all the things she hated on this earth—being woken up unceremoniously at horrible hours was definitely near the top of the list. And so, he did what any smart man would do.

He made sure to stay well out of her way as she got out of bed and sulked her way to the bathroom, swearing vigorously under her breath.

He got dressed and wondered what absolute heaven they would be forced to endure today. Maybe they would go back to the leech lake. He could lose a few more pints of blood.

Eleanora came back out, still looking quite murderous. Sebastian didn't say anything or acknowledge her existence; he went to the mini-fridge and pulled out a little plastic bag.

Eleanora's eyes widened.

Ciel had decided to skip the morning breakfast of freeze-dried food; McMillan followed his example. They had had a rough night. It had taken them half an hour to catch up to their runaway tent and _another_ half hour to get it properly set up and then they had to dig out their sleeping bags and things and naturally by this time it was completely pitch black and _then_ they had forgotten to close the tent flap door and a lizard had crawled into McMillan's sleeping bag…Yes, it had been a truly rotten night. But on the bright side, at least Sebastian would have packed some goodies. He was resourceful like that.

"Sebastian," Ciel called out.

"Here, my Lord."

His servants were sitting in front of the tent. Eleanora was devouring something out of a plastic bag.

"Sebastian, we're hungry," Ciel said.

"I'm sorry to hear that, my Lord."

"Don't you have some snacks or something?"

"I have…" Sebastian began rifling through his backpack, "beef jerky…bouillon cubes…trail mix…"

"Trail mix! We'll take that."

Sebastian wordlessly handed the tin over and Ciel and McMillan quickly opened it and began eating…

"Hang on," Ciel said, "this tastes _awful_! Shouldn't there be chocolate or something inside? What happened to all the chocolate?"

"I took it out," Sebastian said.

"'Took it out?' What _for_?"

Sebastian made a gesture with his head. Ciel's eyes widened.

"You _didn't_ …"

He turned to look at Eleanora…

She grinned a bit sheepishly and held the now-empty bag out to him.

"You _ate all the chocolate_? No, of course that's something you would do…You _gave her all the chocolate_?" He whirled around on his butler.

Sebastian rose up and stretched luxuriously.

"My Lord," he said simply, "there's not many things someone like I fears in this world, but Eleanora without her chocolate fix…" He gave the young Master a look. " _That's_ something special."

Ciel glared at Eleanora.

"You ate _all the chocolate_?"

"Not all of it," she said a bit gloomily. "He picked out all the chocolate bits from the trail mix and he divided it all up so it could be spread throughout the week."

"So there's still some more left?" he turned to his butler.

"Suppose I give you some now," Sebastian said. "What would happen to me in the morning?"

"Well, Eleanora would be a trifle upset…"

"Precisely. I choose life."

He shouldered his backpack and marched off to where the other campers were standing around, waiting to see what hellhole they would be slogged through next.


	15. Chapter 15

The hike that they were dragged off to seemed alright at first. Cool and shady, mostly flat; nothing extreme or ominously evil. The ground seemed to get a bit squishy the more they walked, but that didn't concern them too much. Some of the campers even joined in with Mary Sue and Gary Lou when they started their infernal singing again.

The ground increased in its squishiness and also in its stickiness until it could no longer be called "ground." Now they were walking over mud.

"My shoes will get dirty," Ciel sighed to McMillan, but even then, he wasn't too upset. For once, MS and GL seemed to have gotten it right.

The mud was rising until it was seeping into people's shoes, and then their socks. People were starting to murmur and look with concern at their camp leaders.

"Not too far to go now!" Gary Lou called out.

So they all continued.

Now the mud was knee-deep.

Half-an-hour passed, and soon it could no longer be denied: they were walking through a swamp.

 _"Well, it could be worse,"_ Sebastian thought. _"A little mud never hurt anyone."_

They were now forced to wade, almost swim through the muck. It was now waist-deep. Ciel and McMillan and the other shorter children had to stick to the sides and wade very carefully.

But still they made good progress, and Sebastian was just thinking that yes, this really could be much worse when Eleanora, who was walking next to him, suddenly stopped.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"I lost my shoe," she said, feeling for her foot in the mud.

"When? Just now?"

"I'm not sure. I didn't feel it go. Everything's so dirty; I couldn't tell my foot from my shoe."

Sebastian helped support Eleanora and turned to the young Master, who was trying to make it by following in precisely his servants' footsteps. It wasn't so hard; their steps could still be seen clearly in the mud.

"My Lord, could you please find Eleanora's shoe?"

" _What? Here? Now_?"

"Oh, I found it," McMillan said, stumbling over something and raising up what looked to be a huge fistful of mud. He tossed it to the servants and Eleanora began clearing the mud off. It now was a fistful of mud that vaguely resembled a shoe.

She put it back on with a shudder. The mud—which was unpleasantly warm in the open—had now turned unpleasantly cold. She tightened the laces as best as she could and retied on her second shoe.

"Alright, I'm ready."

Sebastian released her and they continued.

The going only got tougher. It was getting harder and harder to move; there were rocks hidden under all the filth, and every now and then the mud would give way to solid water and people would suddenly stumble upon feeling no resistance and then falling face-down into _more_ mud.

Which is exactly what happened with McMillan.

And then Ciel tripped and fell over McMillan.

So now they were both sprawled out, face-down in the mud.

"Goodness!" Eleanora said. They were now sort of dragging themselves out, looking very shocked and very, _very_ dirty. "Are you alright?"

"Y-yes," Sebastian said, trying hard not to laugh. "My Lord, are you h-hurt?"

"Fine," Ciel said, stumbling over his own feet and then falling again, this time back first, into the mud, causing McMillan to trip over him, so sending him splashing down into the dirt again.

Sebastian could barely contain it; he had to turn away. Eleanora looked at him, eyebrow raised.

"Are _you_ alright?"

"F-Fine," he said, choking back giggles. "Just f-fine…"

He composed himself and beamed at her. Then he tried to take a step, tripped over another invisible rock, and face-planted into the mud.

Ciel and McMillan didn't even try. They burst into laughter and fell down again in the process.

Sebastian tried to get up, but he slipped and fell back down again.

"My _Lord_ ," Eleanora snapped at Ciel and tried helping the butler up. "Are you alright?"

"F-Fine…" he mumbled, his masculine pride wounded. He had just made an imbecile out of himself in front of his _wife_. He couldn't even look at her as he stood up.

Then he slipped again and grabbed her shoulder to steady herself, which caused _her_ to slip, and then she fell down.

" _Eleanora_!"

McMillan was about to laugh but Ciel quickly silenced him. Laughing at Sebastian was one thing. Laughing at Eleanora was another. Laughing at Eleanora was like laughing at Certain Death, and they wanted to live enough to get out of this hell camp.

Eleanora was assisted to her feet by Sebastian. She probably would have been extremely embarrassed as well, but she saw everyone else slipping and falling as well and then felt better. It would have been far more awkward if she was the only one who hadn't fallen.

Sebastian and Eleanora made sure to watch their steps afterwards, but Ciel and McMillan still continued to fall.

Eventually Mary Sue and Gary Lou lead them to where a bunch of boulders were sticking out of the swamp.

"Let's take a break here," GL said, "and eat lunch."

The campers were all too happy to oblige. Unfortunately, there weren't enough boulders around for everyone. Ciel, McMillan, Sebastian, and Eleanora were forced to sit on one boulder, which could have barely fit one. But it was either sit jammed on an uncomfortable boulder, or spend several more minutes in the mud, and all of them would have picked the boulder any time. All of them looked quite a sight, covered in splashes of mud until they looked like brown-dotted Dalmatians.

Ciel and McMillan leaned against each other tiredly. Sebastian stared gloomily out at the swamp but was suddenly disturbed out of his thoughts by Eleanora's cry and the way she suddenly grabbed his arm.

Eleanora _never_ grabbed his arm without good reason, and she indeed had a very good reason to. Some other manservant was trying to push her off the rock.

"Excuse me," Sebastian said, "but what are you doing? She was here first."

The man scoffed.

"But _I_ need a place to sit down too."

"But she was here first."

"She can find some other spot!"

"There _are_ no other spots."

"Then she should move over and let a _real_ man sit down."

"What about 'ladies first?'"

"Pssh, ladies! It's a _man's_ world! _Real_ men should _always_ be on top!"

Sebastian could have done several things. He could have continued arguing. He could have called the man several names. He could have made him a eunuch. All these ideas were going through his mind, and some of them sounded pretty good to him, but he didn't do any of those things.

He just lifted his leg, put his foot on the man's face, and pushed him away.

The man fell back down into the mud with a cry. Eleanora slowly released Sebastian's arm.

"Thank you."

"My pleasure," he said. "There are too many ' _real_ ' men in this world anyway."

"Mm," she said, looking at him, and then she laughed a bit.

"What? What is it?"

"Nothing. Geez, you're just _filthy_. Hold still." She licked her thumb and tried wiping the mud off of his face. He tried to squirm out of it but she had him firmly by the chin.

"No—I mean—Really—I'm _fine_ …"

"You know, for a man who makes such a fuss over esthetic, you sure complain a lot."

Sebastian gave into his fate and allowed himself to be cleaned. It wasn't really working; she was mostly just smearing mud around; but if it made her happy, then that was all that mattered. He felt his eyes closing; he was so tired…

"ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH OF A BREAK!" Mary Sue shrieked. "Come on, explorers! The adventure has only just begun!"

Sebastian's eyes opened; Ciel and McMillan got off the boulder with a groan; Eleanora stretched and winced as her foot came again into contact with the mud.

"Come on, everyone! Aren't we all just having so much _fun_?"

"Loads of it," Ciel moaned.


	16. Chapter 16

They staggered on for quite some time, until they were all mostly-brown. Eleanora's shoes had filled up with mud and Ciel's mouth constantly tasted of dirt. Sebastian constantly looked down at his clothes and sighed. He wondered if mud stained and if they were easy to get out.

He was lost in his thoughts, so lost that he didn't even bother to think of Eleanora or even the young Master until he stopped.

It wasn't as if he _wanted_ to stop; the mud had suddenly become so sticky and full of suction that he was actually physically unable to move.

He tried to move forward. He couldn't pry out one of his legs from the glop to do so. He tried to go backwards. Same issue.

"Eleanora, stay where you are; don't come over here…" he called over his shoulder.

" _Wa-a-ay_ ahead of you," Eleanora said behind him.

He turned back to look at her; she was several feet behind him, giving him her most sarcastic look, arms folded across her chest. Clearly, she had gotten stuck before he had, and was not happy that he had just realized it himself. The young Master and McMillan were even farther behind her, looking confused. At least they weren't falling down anymore. He looked around; everyone was stuck in the mud.

"Alright," Sebastian said, forcing down his demonic urges (right now, his instincts were telling him to go into full-blown demon rage and burn everything within ten miles down to the ground, and they had some pretty good arguments), "just stay there—"

"Gee, _what_ a _brilliant_ idea! I'm _so_ glad you could _clarify_ that for me."

"—Just stay there and I'll come and get you," Sebastian finished.

"What about _me_?" Ciel shouted.

"And _me_?" McMillan said.

"Ladies first," Sebastian said.

"Then shouldn't you be getting the young Master?"

Sebastian made a very undignified sound as he choked back laughter. Ciel was glaring daggers at Eleanora's back, and Eleanora herself was batting her eyelashes innocently.

The butler composed himself and tried to frown at Eleanora. It didn't work; she was still giving him her brightest, sweetest smile; so he contented himself with trying to move.

He couldn't. Not at least without removing some layers of clothing, which he was _not_ doing and probably wouldn't have worked anyway. He flopped down on the mud; it was so thick he didn't even sink into it.

Some children started crying. Mary Sue and Gary Lou's cheers of encouragement faded away. Sebastian never thought that that would be possible.

It was starting to get cold; it wasn't that late, but with the shade and the mud and all, the area began to cool down rapidly. Sebastian started shivering and couldn't stop. This wasn't good. He needed to get out and get someplace warm, or else he would start freezing—again. Once a week was _more_ than enough.

He sighed and glared up at the ceiling of trees. He never thought that he could miss seeing a blue sky. He wondered if he was going to die there.

Eleanora didn't have to wonder. She already knew. In a hundred years, archeologists would stumble on this cursed spot and discover a whole bunch of skeletons. Or bog mummies. They would be trapped in tar pits, like the dinosaurs, and the learned scientists would mumble at each other and scratch their heads and wonder how stupid these people had to be to go wander in a mud-hole and then get stuck.

She tried to look over at the young Master and his friend, but everything from her navel down was frozen in the mud and she wasn't flexible enough to fully turn. She was forced to remain staring straight ahead, which meant that she was mostly just watching the butler look up at the sky, or in the general direction of where the sky would be if they could actually see it.

Suddenly he made a short, sharp whistle. He paused, listening, cocking his head to the side, as if he was some kind of a bird. Then he whistled again.

A shadow flew across his face and then settled on a branch, looking at him curiously—a raven. Sebastian looked up at it and it looked down at him and suddenly, as if they had decided on something, it took off and flew into the trees.

There were several snapping, crashing sounds, and then a vine came down and stopped several inches above Sebastian's head.

Now everyone was paying attention to what the butler was doing.

He grabbed the vine, pulled on it a little bit to see if it would hold his weight, and then s-l-o-w-l-y started dragging himself out of the muck.

Soon he was completely out of the mud and everyone was cheering. He looked mostly exhausted; he had to just hold onto the vine for a while, breathing hard. Then he began swinging the vine until he was over the actual ground, dropped down, and snapped the vine off of whatever branch it had been clinging to. Then he snapped the vine like a whip over to Eleanora, who grabbed it and he pulled her over to the ground. In about an hour and a half, using this same method, everyone was now standing on solid, firm ground.

Mary Sue forced a little laugh.

"…Who's ready to move on?"


	17. Chapter 17

Eleanora was one of the several people who flat-out refused to continue. She was so dead-set against moving on that, as soon as Mary Sue said the fateful words, she just turned and started walking back the way that they had come.

"Don't get lost," Sebastian weakly called out after her. Ciel and McMillan also tried to follow her, but Gary Lou stopped them.

"No! No children can leave. This is an _adventure_! Besides which, your families _paid_ us to make you get outdoors and have some fun and so _that's_ what we're going to do." He scowled down at the group; for the first time, he actually looked serious and threatening. Ciel sighed and turned to his butler.

"What about you? Will you go with Eleanora?"

"No, my place is with my master," Sebastian said, although he clearly looked as if he wanted to go with his wife.

"I think we'll avoid the muddy places from now on," Gary Lou said, again becoming his abnormally cheerful self. "Onward, campers!"

With groans and badly-muffled curses, the remaining hikers slogged after the camp leaders.

It didn't take very long for Eleanora and the others to return to the camp, as they were moving fairly quickly and walking on real ground, not mud. When they all arrived, the first order of business was to get themselves clean again.

One of them checked the shack of a building the camp leaders called the "bathrooms" but they didn't have any running water, or anything even resembling water. Someone suggested going back to the leech pool, and as that was the best idea yet, they hiked over to it.

People quickly and nervously bathed, always stopping to check every ten seconds if they had contracted a leech yet. Eleanora didn't risk it; she peeled off as much clothing as she dared to and washed them. When all of the mud was gone, she walked back to the camp, where she hung the clothes out to dry in front of their tent. Inside, she found the solar-shower thing that the butler had told her about and took a very quick shower. Afterwards, she felt so tired and hot that she flopped down on the bed, still mostly-naked, and fell asleep.

Sebastian, Ciel, and McMillan arrived several hours later. Sebastian's eyes had turned bright red and were watering. Ciel and McMillan were covered in scabs and bruises.

"Wow, what happened to all of _you?"_ Eleanora said, waking up upon hearing them enter the tent. "You look like you've gone through hell and back."

"Hell is nothing compared to this," Ciel groaned, flopping down into one of the chairs. "MS and GL took us through this valley made entirely of thorns."

"And you?" she turned to Sebastian. "What happened to you?"

"Gary Lou decided to entertain everyone with stories of bears," Sebastian groaned, rubbing his eyes, "and apparently, one of the guests was taking it _very_ seriously. And then I tripped and accidentally pushed said camper, and then…"

"You got pepper sprayed," Eleanora finished.

Sebastian nodded.

"Yes. But enough about me. How are you doing?" He strode over to her and kissed her forehead. "Hm, you're a little hot…Are you ill?"

"I _feel_ hot," Eleanora groaned. "Hot and sticky." She tried to sit up; she groaned as her skin begrudgingly pried itself off of the blankets. Ciel and McMillan were staring at her. "What? What is it?"

"Eleanora," Ciel said, "you're all red."

"What? What do you mean?"

"Dear god, look at that _sunburn_!" McMillan said.

"I got _what_? _Sunburned_? Sebastian, is there a mirror around?"

Sebastian dug around in one of the backpacks and found an emergency mirror. He presented it to Eleanora, who looked at her face and screamed.

Her whole body was a bright, angry red. No wonder everything hurt—this was the worst sunburn she had ever had the misfortune of achieving.

She groaned and flopped back down on the bed, covering her face with a pillow.

"There, now," Sebastian said, gently touching her back, causing her to wince. "It's not as bad as it looks."

"Actually—" Ciel started, but Sebastian shut him up with a glare.

"I think you look lovely," he assured her. "Besides, it'll go away...eventually."

"I hate it here," she mumbled. "I _hate_ it here!"

"We all do," he said, and kissed her shoulder. When she didn't look as if she was planning on coming out any time soon, he rose and resumed placing iodine on the young Master's and McMillan's cuts.

"How soon do we leave?" Ciel sighed.

"Well, the program said it was a week-long excursion," Sebastian said, "and we've been here for what—three days? So that leaves…four more."

"Four more days," Ciel said. "I don't think I can make it that long."


	18. Chapter 18

After the young Master and McMillan had been properly bandaged up, Sebastian turned to the pressing problem of treating Eleanora. Another man might have turned and run, and even he thought that the idea had its perks, but nevertheless, he dug around in the medical kit until he found a small bottle of after-sunburn lotion.

The main problem with Eleanora was that she wasn't like the young Master. Ciel Phantomhive was used to having his problems fixed for him—cuts, burns, shoelace tying, all minor inconveniences were done for him by another person. Eleanora wasn't used to that. She preferred doing everything herself. Being in such a state of weakness was deplorable. He would have to tread very carefully: if she thought that he was doing anything wrong, she would bite his hand off.

He removed his gloves and poured some lotion onto his hands. It felt nice and cool and deliciously slimy.

"Lady?" he said gently. "Lady?"

"Go away," she said, her voice muffled by the pillow.

Sebastian sighed and gently touched her shoulder with his fingertip. She gasped and sat up.

"What the _hell_? You're _freezing_!"

"No, it's just lotion," Sebastian said, holding up his hands. "Now lie down, and then…"

"And then what? Are you going to rub your gross, slimy hands all over me? Fat chance!"

"But, Lady, it'll _help_ you," he said patiently.

"And since when have you cared about what will help me and what won't?"

"I don't know what you mean. I have always been only concerned about your comfort."

"I'm sure.."

"If you're implying…"

"Implying? Whatever do you mean?"

"…Eleanora," he said, "don't you _trust_ me?"

"I don't trust any men above the age of fifteen. It's how I've gotten this far."

"Eleanora…"

"And as far as I know, you're _waaay_ over fifteen."

"I'm about your age, Eleanora."

"Fat chance! Didn't your father ride the dinosaurs or something?"

" _No_. He _ate_ a dinosaur once, but that's a different matter entirely."

"You know what you are?"

"What?"

"You're sick."

"No, I feel quite healthy, actually…"

"You're sick and perverted and demonic."

Sebastian touched her head and gently turned it so that she was looking at him.

"Are you scared of me?" he said softly.

"The hell would give you that idea?"

"Just answer the question."

She pulled the pillow over her head.

"Anyone would be."

Sebastian stared at her for a bit, and then started massaging her shoulders, adding lotion to his hands every now and then.

"Mmm…" she said. "Not bad…Not bad…"

He positioned himself more comfortably on the bed and wondered what the young Master was doing. He hoped that he wasn't getting into trouble.


	19. Chapter 19

There was technically a bathroom on the campsite, only everybody preferred using the outdoors to it, even Ciel, which should give one a pretty good idea on what it was like.

It was essentially two outhouses with a cardboard wall dividing them. This made using it extremely awkward, plus there was no running water or hand sanitizer or really anything to clean oneself after the deed had been done. It smelled ghastly and had thousands of flies everywhere, some of which Ciel was sure had malaria or influenza or some other equally nasty disease. Ciel didn't like doing his business outside like some animal, but somehow, he felt that going outside was more dignified than using those bathrooms. He would have been perfectly content with going outside for the rest of the week…And then the camp leaders interfered.

Apparently they took no one using their beautiful bathrooms as a personal offence and so ordered that everyone— _everyone_ —now wasn't allowed to go outside. When people complained, they offered some sort of lame excuse, like it wasn't good for the environment…or the wildlife…or the air in Indonesia…or something, but Ciel didn't even have time to be furious, because as soon as Mary Sue saw his face, she sent him off to go gather firewood for more fire-hazard-fun, even though the sun was setting and it was getting rather late.

"Come on," he said to McMillan, who wanted to protest but realized that if Ciel went missing, he would probably be the number-one murder suspect. It was best to die along with Ciel and have an alibi than not die and get jailed for life after this hell trip.

"This is so ridiculous!" Ciel spat, picking up a fairly-dry twig (and then he spat for real; some insect got into his mouth). "It's like they're trying to kill us!"

"Maybe it's a scam," McMillan said. "Maybe they're with some sort of corrupted government agency and they're trying to kill all of the nobles' heirs so that there won't be any other heirs and then— _OW!_ "

"What? What happe— _OW_!"

Ciel slapped at his arm and a crushed mosquito fell off. The boys shared a look.

"Let's go back," Ciel said. "Immediately. Before something else terrible happens."

They accordingly turned around and got bitten by several more mosquitos before they arrived again at the camp.

"What _is_ this?" Gary Lou said in disbelief. "This won't be enough for a _spark_! Go back immediately and collect more firewood!"

"But…There are _mosquitos_ …"

"Good! Go forth and get that _real_ wilderness experience!"

He was in perfect seriousness. Ciel and McMillan had no choice but to trudge back into the woods, where clouds of mosquitos were forming, ready to bite the first inch of exposed skin.

"I'm going to get blood poisoning and die," Ciel said, slapping his arm. "I'm going to get blood poisoning and die." Slap on the leg. "I'm going to get blood poisoning and die."

"Stop saying that!" McMillan said, slapping his neck. "The more you say it, the more it'll come true."

"Fine. I'm going to get eaten alive by these damned mosquitos. Happy?"

"Why are you always so _grouchy_?"

"I am _never_ _grouchy_ , you ignorant little— _OW_!"

The sun was setting; the world was getting colder, and the mosquitos could sense that soon it would be too cold for them to stay out, so now was the time to feast. Clouds of them came racing towards the nearest targets: mainly, two little bickering boys.

They very quickly stopped their argument about seeing the army approaching them; they shared a look, and then they bolted to their tent.

"Phantomhive," McMillan panted, "what…will…Gary Lou…say?"

Ciel said a phrase which he had inadvertently learned from Eleanora about what Gary Lou could do.

"It's too late for this," he sighed. "Let's just go to sleep."

"Fine."

Unfortunately, several mosquitos had made it into their tent with them before they had been able to zip it up again. They spent the whole night listening to the high-pitched whine of the bloodsucking monsters and just waiting for them to land and try slapping them, always missing but not before they had gotten bitten again.


	20. Chapter 20

Unholy medicine worked faster and better than human medicine, so in the morning, Eleanora's sunburn had mostly faded away. Her skin was still an unnatural pink and touching her still made her wince, but at least she didn't look as if she had been roasted.

"Feeling better?" Sebastian asked. She blinked up at him.

"When are we going home?"

"Soon, I hope," he said and went to check up on the young Master.

The young Master and McMillan were looking like Death's children. Sebastian wasn't surprised seeing them like that; he had woken up next to Eleanora for two years and she always looked like Death itself. Besides, even if a small part of him had cared, he was too exhausted to explore and bring that part out. After this experience, he never wanted to step outside for as long as he lived. Or see another human. He wanted to go back to Hell and stay in his house for all eternity, just him in his nice, air-conditioned rooms and his cats, all alone…Except he might bring Eleanora. For company.

But of course, Mary Sue and Gary Lou insisted on dragging everyone outside for an early-morning hike (even though the sun still hadn't technically risen) and everyone slogged through the trails. Mary Sue tried several times to get inspirational songs going, but mostly everyone just flat-out ignored her. They didn't have the strength to fight her and they certainly didn't have the spirit to join her. Sebastian made a mental note to tell Grell or the Undertaker to put the camp leaders on the "To Die" list and he himself would personally ensure that they got a nice, cozy spot in the Tenth Level of Hell: right next to the biggest furnace.

Suddenly Gary Lou stopped, which made everyone behind him also stop suddenly and bump into everyone else. Sebastian groaned. He hated touching humans even on a normal day, and these humans hadn't properly bathed in several days.

"I couldn't help but notice that motivation has been low today," he said, giving everyone steely looks, "but I know just how to fix it! Mary Sue?"

She nodded and giggled and clapped her hands.

"Everyone, pair up! We're going on a _scavenger hunt_!"

Sebastian wasn't familiar with the term "scavenger hunt," (unless it pertained to vultures) but as usual, nobody had a choice in what they did or did not want to do. The camp leaders just said that they were going to do something, and so they all did it. Sebastian got the feeling that MS and GL were unstable in some way, and going against them would make them turn murderous. He made another mental note to himself to call the authorities as soon as he got out of here. And make sure that they were admitted into some kind of horrible lunatic asylum. With lobotomies. And electrocution therapy. And _then_ he would tell Grell to put them on the "To Die" list. The very idea made him grin with anticipation. Then he looked around and quickly stopped smiling.

When the leaders said "pair up," almost all of the young women in the group began giving him that look: the look that indicated they were interested in him and wanted to see if he was interested in them, which he most certainly wasn't. He quickly grabbed Eleanora's arm and stepped back into the shadows so that no other woman would try to become partners with him.

"Ow…Ow… _OW_!"

"Oh! My apologies," Sebastian said and released her sunburnt arm. Eleanora tentatively rubbed it and glared at him.

"Well, it's not as if you married a delicate flower, now is it?" she said, giving him her most sarcastic look.

Ciel and McMillan naturally paired up and Mary Sue handed out the scavenger hunt lists. The first item was "a bug."

"Whoever gets all of the items first on their list wins!" she chirruped and the game began.

Ciel couldn't help but feel a bit perkier. He loved games, but most of all, he loved _winning_ at games. Getting a simple bug would be easy. There were probably dozens of ants crawling around their feet by the minute.

Then there was a ghastly smell and a lot of people screamed and someone shouted out, " _stinkbug_!" Ciel and McMillan shared a look. And then they went to find Sebastian.

Eleanora was sitting on a log in the shade, trying to curl a fallen pine needle.

"Eleanora," Ciel called out, "where's Sebastian?"

She pointed upwards; the butler was sitting on the bough of a tree, looking up at the tree tops.

"Sebastian!" Ciel shouted. "I need you."

"Oh? For what?"

"I need you to find…" he examined his list, "'a bug.'"

"An insect?" Sebastian raised his eyebrow. "You can't find one on your own, my Lord?"

"Yes. I mean, no. I mean, don't question me! Just find me an insect."

Sebastian sighed and pressed his hand on his forehead.

"Eleanora, what was the first item on our list again?"

"Uhm…'a bird feather.'"

He sighed again and whistled. Within moments, a raven flew down and landed on his outstretched finger and deposited something into his other hand. He threw whatever-it-was down to Ciel, who caught it and looked at it: some kind of beetle. Then the raven ruffled its feathers and yanked out one with its beak, which Sebastian took. The bird and the butler nodded at each other in a kind of dignified, understanding way, and then the raven took off again.

"Excellent!" Ciel said, giving the beetle to McMillan. "Now, the next item is, Sebastian…"

"Anyone who uses their servants to win will be automatically disqualified!" they heard Gary Lou shout. Ciel said a rude word (another term that he had learned from Eleanora) and trudged off.

"Any more orders, my Lord?" Sebastian called out behind him. "Do you want me to keep everyone else from winning? Accidentally assist you? Arrange for a little 'incident' to befall our good camp leaders?"

"Shut up," Ciel growled and looked at the next item on their list: a river rock. Well, that shouldn't be too hard, right?

Eleanora finished curling her pine needle and tossed it aside. She looked up at her husband, who was still in the tree and now had his eyes closed.

"Aren't we going to participate?"

"Mm, you can, if you want to. Personally, I think that I'll stay up here, where it's nice and quiet and no one can bother you…"

"Anyone who doesn't participate will have to clean the bathrooms!" they heard Gary Lou shout again. Sebastian's eyebrow made an alarming twitch and if he was any less stately, he also probably would have said a word that he had learned from Eleanora. As it was, he just jumped down from the tree and stalked off.

"Come along," he growled at Eleanora, who yanked out a grass stalk and followed him, chewing on its end.

It had been easy to find a river and not so easy to actually get into it. And one couldn't just pick up a stone that was lying near it; the rock had to actually come from the river itself. But there was no convenient path that led from the forest to the river; the water was protected by all sorts of green foliage.

Ciel sighed. He loved winning more than he hated nature or personal discomfort.

"Come on," he said to McMillan and began wading through the plants, trying to get to the river. McMillan followed him and stumbled on a plant, falling to the ground. Ciel leaned over to help him up, but McMillan dragged him down and soon both of them were in the leaves. There was a crashing noise above them and Ciel looked up. It was Sebastian and Eleanora.

His maid made a move to help him up, but his butler stopped her.

"What?" Eleanora said, looking at him. "We should go and help them. Isn't that a servant's duty?"

"Not in this case," Sebastian said coolly.

Ciel tried asking him what he meant, but as he was standing, he tripped over the rising McMillan and both boys fell back down again. Ciel was getting pretty tired of falling.

"And just why not in this case?" Eleanora said, her voice turning frigid.

Again they tried to stand up and got a face-full of greens.

"Because that's poison ivy," Sebastian said.


	21. Chapter 21

"I know I've been saying this a lot lately, but, I _hate_ it here!" Ciel shouted. They were back in the servants' tent and Sebastian was smearing medicine over all of the areas afflicted with poison ivy, trying to be as thorough as possible while still having enough left for McMillan. "How long do we have to stay here? How long have we been here? _How many more days until we can leave_?"

"Three, I think," Sebastian sighed. "Just three more days, and then we'll be out of here."

" _Three more days_? I can't stay here for _three more days_! I can barely stay here for the remainder of _this_ one!"

"What—you want to abandon ship and run off?" Eleanora looked at him.

" _Yes_! We can leave. We can leave right now! We can just sneak off when everyone is asleep and go live in a hotel for three more days and forget this nightmare ever happened."

Sebastian sighed and looked up at the tent ceiling.

"It's raining," he said, and when they all looked up too, they could see the raindrops hitting the canvas and hear the thunder. "Do you still care to leave, my Lord? In the cold and the wet?"

Ciel growled and flopped down on the bed.

"Fine. We can stay for tonight. But I can't do this forever! In fact, I don't think that I can do this even _now_. Sebastian, don't you have something— _anything_ —to take the pain away? Just to get me through this night!"

"We-e-ell, we have some extra-strength painkillers," Sebastian said, pawing through the medical kit, "only it might be too strong for you."

"What makes you say that?" Ciel glared at him.

"These kinds of painkillers are for people who just lost the lower halves of their body," Sebastian said cheerfully. "I don't think that you're prepared for that kind of quick relief."

"Well, do you have _anything_ else?"

"Well…"

" _Anything_! _Anything_ at all!"

"Well, I _did_ pack a couple of bottles of a little something, just in case the nights got too long and boring," Sebastian mused, striding over to the duffel bag and opening it, revealing several weapons and ten black bottles. "I suppose that I could spare a glass or two…"

"Hold on," Eleanora said. "I don't think that this is the best idea."

"Why not?" McMillan said, licking his lips. "We won't have too much…"

"Yes, we'll just have a bit. Just to take the edge off. Sebastian will make sure of that. He's a responsible adult, right?" Ciel turned to the butler, who was already opening one of the bottles.

"Naturally," he smiled at Eleanora. "Really, don't worry so much. We'll just have a little bit. Just a drop."

"Promise?"

"Have I ever lied?" Sebastian grinned and poured out a glass.


	22. Chapter 22

Mary Sue and Gary Lou, concerned about the amount of good cheer around the camp, stopped by at every tent to make sure that everyone was having fun. If it didn't sound as if they were, the perpetrators were dragged outside and made to sing happy songs in the rain until they felt better. This caused all of the campers to force happy conversations in their tents, each one praying that they wouldn't get caught. This didn't really work; MS and GL weren't satisfied until they had gotten at least one person out of every tent.

"You're all so dour this evening!" MS scolded them. "You should all be happier! Like…Like this tent, right here!"

They stopped at a tent a little bit aways from the rest of the group. Everyone could clearly hear faint singing coming from inside of it. It sounded like two boys and one man.

" _That's_ what I like to hear!" GL said. "A nice, happy family in the woods! _They_ don't let a little rain get them down! We should _all_ learn from them."

"But, what exactly _are_ they singing?" someone asked.

Gary Lou frowned and leaned in, trying to make out the words:

 _"If drink is the Devil, then let me sin._

 _Plenty of wine and lots of women!"_

"Don't worry," GL said. "It's a very wholesome song. Now let's move on to the next tent, shall we?"

"You're all dead to me," Eleanora said coldly.

She was sitting in one of the chairs in the farthest corner away from the bed as she could go. The butler and the two little innocents were sitting on the bed, finishing their demented little demon song. There had been ten bottles of whatever unholy foulness the demon had brought. They were now well into the third bottle.

"That was great," Ciel said when they had finished. "I've never heard a better life in my whole song."

"Me neither," McMillan said. "Pass the bottle, will you? And what did Eleanor just say?"

Eleanora bristled at the incorrect name and refused to repeat herself. She gave the children her prize scowl, which normally would have made even the butler look away, but now they just grinned at her.

"Lighten up, Eleanora," Ciel said. "Have a drink! You're always so irritable…All of you!" He tried frowning at Eleanora (or at least who he thought was Eleanora; he was seeing around three of them).

"Phantomhive," McMillan said suddenly. "I just realized something that I desperately need to tell you."

"What?"

"I love you."

"McMillan," Ciel said solemnly. "I feel exactly the same way."

"We should be thankful for this camp."

"Undoubtedly."

"It thrust us both into the same place at the same time."

"Naturally."

"It brought us together."

"Of course."

"Without it, we never would have met."

"Destiny, really."

"Precisely."

Eleanora pressed her hand onto her forehead and groaned.

"Gents!" Sebastian said. "I propose a toast."

"A toast? To what?"

"To whom?"

"To how?"

"To why?"

"To women," Sebastian said, raising up his bottle (he had abandoned drinking from a glass by this point) to Eleanora. "Gentlemen, _all_ men, no matter who they are—angel, demon, human, vampire, reaper, extraterrestrial…They are _all_ idiots."

"Hear, hear!" McMillan cried.

"And none know this fact more so than the women," Sebastian continued, "and yet, despite all of our shortcomings, they still find some good in us and still—for some completely inexplicable reason—agree to marry us, despite our many shortcomings, of which there are many, shortcomings, I mean. Many of them."

"Amen to that," Ciel said.

"And so, gentlemen, a toast to women," he raised his bottle again and grinned at Eleanora, "the only sex capable of dealing with the opposite sex!"

"A toast!" the boys shouted and glasses clinked and then McMillan yelled for Sebastian to pass the *hic* bottle.

"You boys have fun with your wine and your many shortcomings," Eleanora said, standing up. "I'm going outside."

"Be careful, kitten," Sebastian said, falling over to his side. "Watch out for _monsters…_ "

"Come on, Shebashtan," Ciel said. "Letsh have antoher shong…"

"Yes, le*hic!*t's." McMillan said.

Sebastian grinned again and started belting out another horrible song:

 _"A bottle of wine,_

 _Is ever so fine,_

 _And makes one so ready to brawl._

 _A charming young girl,_

 _Gets the head in a whirl,_

 _And is so like sweet alcohol!"_

The boys tried to repeat this verse while Sebastian went on to the next one. Eleanora rolled her eyes and went outside, where she promptly got soaked with the rain. In the distance, she could hear Mary Sue and Gary Lou and some other campers singing some sort of wretched camp song. It seemed like a night for singing. Eleanora shuddered (or shivered due to the rain; she couldn't really tell which) and found a rock that was sheltered from the rain by the trees that was far enough away from the tent so that she couldn't hear the infernal singing, but close enough so that she could still see it. She leaned against a tree trunk and watched the rain fall. Eventually it stopped and then she watched the stars peek out from the clouds before shining in all of their splendor.

Several hours passed in this way and she sneezed. It was late; she had stayed out for much longer than she had intended. Hopefully, the Delightful Dead-Drunk Dumbasses had stopped their caterwauling by now. She rose and carefully reentered the tent.

The young Master and McMillan were sleeping on the floor, cuddled up together. Sebastian was lying on the bed, still fully dressed. Eleanora changed clothes in the bathroom and got into the bed, scooting as far away from the butler as possible. Everything was nice and quiet now. She had just closed her eyes when she heard someone roll over and her husband whispered,

"Lady."

"What?"

"Are you sleeping?"

"Yes."

"Oh. I'm sorry for disturbing you, then," Sebastian said and rolled over again. A few minutes passed and he again turned to her.

"Eleanora, wake up."

" _Wha-a-at?_ "

"I have to tell you something very important."

She groaned and rolled onto her back, glaring up at him.

"Well? What is it?"

He smiled and began playing with her hair.

"It's about _the_ tattoo."

"What about it?" Eleanora couldn't believe that he insisted on talking to her in the middle of the night over one of his stupid _tattoos_.

"You remember how I said that I was drunk when I got it?" he asked. "Almost as drunk as I am now? Not that I'm drunk, you understand," he said hastily.

" _Su-u-ure_."

"Well," he leaned in and giggled, "I wasn't _as_ drunk as I said I was." His eyes glinted mischievously; Eleanora swallowed hard and wished that she had a weapon of some kind close at hand. "I mean, I _was_ drunk, but not drunk enough so that I had no idea what was going on. I knew what was happening. I could have stopped it. But I didn't. I wanted it. That's why I'm not getting it removed. Every now and then I think about it, but then I decide against it. I like it too much. I would feel too bad if it was gone." He leaned in even closer; his breath smelled unnaturally sweet, like the unholy wine. "I want to show you it," he said. "I want to show you _the_ tattoo."

"Oh, that's great," Eleanora said, trying to scoot away from him, "but couldn't you show it to me some other time? I'm really tired and all…"

He looked confused and then shook his head.

"No. Now. If I try to do it while sober, I'll get scared and won't do it. It's now or never, and I choose now." He nodded and sat up. Then he quickly slipped off his muscle shirt, revealing _the_ tattoo.

It was her. Or rather, her name, ELEANORA, written in beautiful, spidery handwriting on a ribbon that was entwined around a rose, which had been tattooed over his heart. Sebastian picked her hand up and pressed it against the tattoo.

"You like it?" he whispered. "I got it for you. I have one for Mother, one for Father, and now I have one for you. And I won't get rid of it. Not ever. And you like it, don't you? This isn't like the nipple piercing. Or the tongue piercing. You like it, right?"

Eleanora was surprised at herself. She actually _did_ like it. It wasn't weird or gaudy like his tongue piercing and his nipple pie…

"Wait. When did I authorize a _nipple piercing_?"

"But you like it, don't you?" he repeated, clutching her hand tighter.

"Y-Yes," she mumbled. "It's a lovely gesture. It's a very pretty tattoo." He seemed to be waiting for something. "I like it."

He beamed at her.

"I'm so glad! I knew that you would like it."

"But going back to the piercing…"

"That's not important," he said and leaned in even closer. "Goodnight, Eleanora," he whispered. "Pleasant dreams." His lips pursed; his eyes closed; Eleanora sucked in her breath and wondered how she was going to escape this one…

He flopped down on her chest with a sigh, dead to the world.

Eleanora poked him a couple of times, just to make sure that he was asleep, and then she rolled him off of her with some difficulty.

"Ughhh…Get _off_ of me, you fat-assed waste of wine…"

"Mmm…" Sebastian smiled in his sleep.

Eleanora got out of bed and dug through his duffel bag until she found a switchblade knife. Then she went back to bed and fell asleep, with the knife securely under her pillow.


	23. Chapter 23

Sebastian, Ciel, and McMillan all woke up the next morning with horrible headaches and absolutely no memory of what they had been doing last night. Eleanora had merely said that they had gotten roaring drunk and that was that. She didn't mention the weird, embarrassing things they talked about or how they all sang a trio, and she definitely didn't say that the butler had shown her his secret tattoo. She somehow didn't want it to become a topic of conversation.

The men were all feeling terrible, particularly Sebastian, which might have explained why Mary Sue suddenly got a huge rash on her whole body after ordering him to smile and she had to stay back in her tent.

With Mary Sue out of the way, Gary Lou didn't seem too enthusiastic about really anything, so their daily hike was relatively quiet and peaceful, despite the fact that they were hiking the tallest mountain in the area. Around half-an-hour after they had passed tree level, Eleanora got altitude sickness and fainted and had to be carried down by Sebastian, and then Ciel tripped going back down and hurt his ankle, so then Sebastian had to go _back_ up the mountain and carry _him_ down.

And then McMillan got bitten by a snake and, even though it was absolutely harmless, he insisted that Ciel suck the poison out anyway.

And then Ciel ate some berries that Gary Lou had sworn were edible and got sick and thought that he was dying of the nonexistent snake poison and had to be calmed down.

And then Sebastian got in trouble for trying to keep a mountain lion...

And then Mary Sue didn't take proper preventive measures and all of the good food—hot dogs and marshmallows and such—were eaten by a bear and they had to make-do with freeze-dried food for the rest of the week…

In short, the remaining three days were absolutely miserable and no one was sorry when it was over.

For the first time in the week, all of the campers woke up earlier than the camp leaders and were packed and ready to go by the time Mary Sue and Gary Lou had woken up. And they had completely ignored the allure of breakfast and began marching down the hill, leaving the camp leaders behind when they tried protesting. Ciel and McMillan were in the lead, practically running down the hill.

It was far easier to go down than it had been to get up. In an hour, they were back in the parking lot.

"Alright everybody, gather round!" Mary Sue said just as everyone was about to flee to their cars. The campers groaned and there were quite a lot of death threats, but still, they all went to their camp leaders for one final speech. "We hope that you all enjoyed your stay here at Camp Happy Funshine! I'm sure that you shall leave this hallowed place with happy memories of fun trips, good friends, and wonderful times (everyone groaned at this)! If you just _loved_ being here at Camp Happy Funshine as much as we just _adored_ having you with us, please, recommend us to your friends and family! And we'd be _overjoyed_ to see you again if you choose to come back! Well, so long, everybody! Have a happy, fun life filled with all sorts of happy funshine that Camp Happy Funshine had given you!"

The speech was over; everyone bolted for their cars, but Sebastian didn't drive away until Ciel and McMillan had exchanged contact information. Then the young Master got into the backseat and they drove off, away from the woods and towards civilization—glorious, sophisticated civilization. Sebastian didn't think he would ever be so happy to see another human again.

Eleanora put in a CD and blasted music as they entered the city. Ciel and Eleanora sang along to the more catchy songs and even Sebastian joined in a couple of times. Ciel couldn't remember the last time they had all been so happy about the same thing.

And soon he would be home. Home! Home had real showers and flushing toilets and soap and real hot food that actually tasted like something worth eating and home had Madam Red and movies and couches and soft beds and home had _everything_! He burst into the living room and shouted out as loud as he could,

"Madam _Red_! I'm _back_!"

There was no Madam Red. No Prince Soma. No Agni. No Grell. No Undertaker. All that was around was a note on the kitchen table:

 _Dear Ciel_ (it said) _,_

 _Grell and I had some business to take care of, so we won't be back until late. Soma and Agni are attending some kind of curry thing at a renowned restaurant and the Undertaker had to go talk some things over with Will. There are some leftovers in the fridge, and we'll be home soon! Take care of yourselves._

 _Grell sends her love and wants to know if Bassy and Eleanora are alright._

 _Love,_

 _Madam Red_

Ciel screamed a couple of times and crumpled the note up.

"Can you _believe_ this?" he shouted at his servants as they wearily entered. "They're all _gone_! We've just gone through _hell and back_ and they're not even _here_! They want us to eat _leftovers_! The complete and utter _nerve_ of these people! They're out having _fun_ while we were _suffering_! Can you _believe_ this?"

"My Lord, please calm down," Sebastian said, quickly reading the letter. "There may be some good in this."

"Oh really? Like _what_ , pray tell?"

"I mean, if everyone's gone…" he looked up with a glint in his eyes, "then that means that there's no one around to tell us what to do…"

He had taken his shower in ten minutes and had then left. Eleanora had quickly given Ciel a bath and took a shower herself, just in time for Sebastian to come home, loaded with fast food and pizzas and several movies that they had been wanting to see for a long time.

The rest of the evening was marvelous, almost magical. They ate junk food and watched movies and just reveled in being far, far away from anything distantly resembling "nature."

Eleanora curled up next to Sebastian and he put his arm around her waist. Ciel leaned back in his seat and sighed, stuffed full with popcorn and soda and everything else that was horrible for him and he just didn't care. This was the life. Sitting around, watching movies, fully at peace with the world…

Madam Red and Grell burst in several hours later.

" _Ciel_!" the Madam shouted. "Are you alright?! We just heard the most horrible news! Apparently, those two camp leaders who were running Camp Happy Funshine aren't even trained outdoorsmen! They're corrupt insurance salesmen on the run from the law! They just got caught several hours after your camp let out! Are you okay? Are Sebastian and Eleanora okay? Is everyone okay? They didn't do terrible things to you, right? You're not traumatized, ri—"

By this time, Ciel, Sebastian, and Eleanora had fallen asleep on the couch.

Madam Red stammered a couple of times and stepped forward to wake one of them up when Grell stopped her.

"Oh, let them sleep," she said, grinning at the butler. "I'm sure that they'll be just shocked at the news, especially after all the great memories they have of the camp. We'll tell them tomorrow."

Madam Red nodded and they went upstairs, leaving the trio asleep in the living room, having the first good sleep since they had arrived at Camp Happy Funshine.

THE END.

 _Author's Note:_

 _Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, please look up my other stories! Thanks again!_


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